[CLOSED] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3 (read the rules)

Osns

I'm reopening the thread with tighter rules. Please read the rules and post

greyblob said:

I'm reopening the thread with tighter rules. Please read the rules and post

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Tighter is better.

You might remember me. I'm not sure if this is allowed but I made a ton of changes to my story and would like to know your thoughts. Totally get it if your answer is no.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2244075/cursed-crowned-crimson/

And my prime number is 71.

GreenStudio said:

You might remember me. I'm not sure if this is allowed but I made a ton of changes to my story and would like to know your thoughts. Totally get it if your answer is no.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2244075/cursed-crowned-crimson/

And my prime number is 71.

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I'll be honest with you, I dont wanna read this again mainly because I'm bored and wanna see something new. But I skimmed through the first chapter.

This feels a lot better in terms of scene structure and flow. It feels dynamic. I like how you used the angel in the first scene. I think it's a great hook. It could be executed better but I like the idea.

for the notes I had,

1. telling and not showing.

Only the sound of laughter, joy and the usual movement that belonged to a town of this size.

In spite of that, Akuma didn’t so much as stutter while mouthing off. His body language suggested that he was conversing with someone slightly above him.

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why would tell me about his body language instead of showing me? this is a novel not an analysis
Same as here

It wasn’t the festivities he was cursing from the bottom of his chest. In this case, the pure concentrated light had been pro

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this is all subjective, but I much prefer to 'see' what's happening instead of having it retold to me.

2. Order of events. building on 2, i can't see whats not there. it's uncomfortable to starting describing something I have no knowledge of its existence. Take a look at this

["Dammit. Dammit! Dammit!"

It wasn’t the festivities he was cursing from the bottom of his chest. In this case, the pure concentrated light had been produced by the thing above his head.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing, asshole?! Don’t you have any social awareness?! Turn that shit off for once!"]A

[Nothing.

Only the sound of laughter, joy and the usual movement that belonged to a town of this size.]B

[In spite of that, Akuma didn’t so much as stutter while mouthing off. His body language suggested that he was conversing with someone slightly above him.

"Here I was trying to take it easy today! Yet for some reason you’re obsessed with these childish games! Pulling me out of class? For that? A half-assed mission like that?! Seriously, when are you gonna grow up?!"]C

[Even as the words left him, they had a strange taste about them.]D

[Grow up.

Was he even capable of such a thing? If anything, in the three years Akuma had known him, he hadn’t aged a single day. His juvenile appearance was punctuated by the tattered prisoner's onesie he wore—the white and blue striped fabric was damaged by what looked like repeated beatings. And a heavy, metal shackle was cuffed around the entity's left wrist. It was the kind that reeked of labor and violent struggles.]E

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ill go through this section by section.

[A] instead of describing WHY the mc did something. Why not show me?

mc is swearing. at what? Something above his head? Why not have him glaring at the spot in the air? now you directed the reader's 'gaze' without having to spell it out.

how is there nothing and laughter of the crowd? nothing doesn't make sense

[C] this is not needed anymore no? maybe replace it with him swiping at the air or pointing at him or something

[D] filler

[E] 'grow up' is an alright introduction to the next segment but i honestlt wasn't sure who is talking here. Or the dialogue before frankly. thats the issue with floating dialogues. I dont know if the 'entity' is mute or not. Or talks telepathically or some shot.

you've built up this scene now. It's the most important scene for this chapter and argubally the novel. I'm looking for the reveal. The hook. Who is sitting on his head?

You have to drop the angel here. There's a lot of ways to do it. the only way not to do it is by writing a paragraph about what he's wearing. that comes after I'm interested.

> Grow up, I spat at him in my head. Can angels even age? was i stuck with a winged teenager to torment me for the result of my life?

you get the point. write it however you'd like but just give me the reveal


3. there's a ton of filler. this needs to be edited and trimmed down.




thats about it. this is all subjective obviously. how id want it to be

Here is my story submission. I don't think I've submitted anything to this thread yet, or any of your previous ones.


My prime number is 1997. (Timothy's birth year)

harrydouthwaite said:

Here is my story submission. I don't think I've submitted anything to this thread yet.

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

My prime number is 1997.

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awful title name you should be ashamed

edit: nvm this was written before that meme came into existence

Check my story out.
A Modern Mind in Medieval Times | Scribble Hub
No smut until chapter 15. You can skip it without losing anything.

7 is the greatest number!

greyblob said:

its been two years since the last one and two more since the one before. im getting the itch again.

i'll provide a simple review of what i read. I try to read more than the first few chapters before voicing an opinion which is why i have these few rules

0. NO AI OR AI ASSISTED CONTENT
1. No BL or GB or Smut. GL is fine but I do not enjoy so I will be biased.
2. No novels with less than 10k wordd.
3. I'll take 3 at a time and close the queue. I'll only review novels mentioned while the queue is open (do not comment a novel while thread is closed)
4. I won't leave reviews on the novels or comments. I won't send reviews in dms. I'll comment everything.
5. Post a link to your work.
6. Please do not submit drafts. Do not insult me.

I'm adding a small cognitive check here. Please attach a prime number to your request so I know you read the rules.
ex: 2,3,5...

any requests without the number will be ignored. i apologize for the laborious requirements but they're there for my sanity.

---

material:

[Introspection] Developing The Scene

This is an attempt at deconstructing the scene and creating a formula for it. The objective is not to discard or marginalise the creative process but to reinforce and guide it. Any scene consists of a bunch of properties. I only want to focus on Purpose Structure and vision Perspective...

www.scribblehubforum.com

Writing - [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue

Want to Know the Biggest Secret in the Fiction Writing Industry? It's not the Plotting they use, the Characters, the Theme, the Settings, or anything else like that. It's the Sentence Structure. DISCLAIMER: This is how I was taught to structure dialogue for publication purposes -- by my...

www.scribblehubforum.com

Writing - [Tutorial] Plot Devices: Deus Ex Machina, Chekhov's Gun & Foreshadowing

----Original Message---- "What are your thoughts on Good 'Deus Ex Machinas'? I find them hard to pull off realistically in a plot." -- Puzzled Writer Plot Devices: Deus Ex Machina or Chekhov's Gun? A Deus Ex Machina is when the Hero doesn't find the solution to the story's problem. The...

www.scribblehubforum.com

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Salutations mighty blob who does most certainly not know me. May I interest you for my work ...


Also, 7.

Is everyone just going back in line wearing a trenchcoat

harrydouthwaite said:

Here is my story submission. I don't think I've submitted anything to this thread yet, or sny of your previous ones.

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...

www.scribblehub.com

My prime number is 1997. (Timothy's birth year)

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I only read the first chapter. I'd read more but I'll discuss below why I didn't want to.

to start, the writing is good. structure, flow, dialogues are smooth. there are bumps here and there. I'll mention them but they're nit-picky. can be fixed with some editing.

the characters are nicely portrayed but all the sides lack any kind of depth. the parents and david are cardboard boxes.

sometimes you tell and not show.

“Nothing.” He replied, automatically.

It was a lie, of course, but he didn't want to express his feelings.

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I'd have liked to see more subtle details. gestures, body language, quirks, etc.

exposition gets too long at times.

floating dialogues. this is the most confusing thing for me. you're already writing in a more trad format, why would you adapt the worst of the LN format

checkout the paragraph thread I have in the original post. mainly the section about splitting pargraphs for each speaker.


thats about every nitpick for the writing. my biggest issue with this is the narrative itself.

where is the story? let me preface this. I dont read proluge or synopsis. I don't see why I'd continue reading. there's no hook for me. Nothing to intrigue me to continue. This is just from my pov. i don't read slice of life. I guess this counts as such.

Robin is the creepiest character I've read about in a long time. You've done a good job of portraying him and his voice. It's quite uncomfortable reading his thoughts. The only issue is, I don't think you intended to do this.

Robin is unnaturally feminine. I've double checked multiple times to see if the 'he' reference was a typo. I've also checked the
tags and prologue to see if there's a mention of queer anywhere. but there's none.

No 12 year old boy will ever say 'adorable' in a non-deregatory sense. He will 100% not think it, especially about another boy. It's inconceivable to me. I've seen it repeated 5 times and it's unnatural everytime.

Now, let's add the 'tingling' he feels. It's also odd. I don't really know what you were aiming for with this. when all of this is added up, it becomes quite uncanny to me. Oh and he stole the 8 y/o's jacket and takes big whifs of it in his room. what the fuck

this is mainly why I stopped reading. creepy MC + boring premise.

greyblob said:

I only read the first chapter. I'd read more but I'll discuss below why I didn't want to.

to start, the writing is good. structure, flow, dialogues are smooth. there are bumps here and there. I'll mention them but they're nit-picky. can be fixed with some editing.

the characters are nicely portrayed but all the sides lack any kind of depth. the parents and david are cardboard boxes.

sometimes you tell and not show.


I'd have liked to see more subtle details. gestures, body language, quirks, etc.

exposition gets too long at times.

floating dialogues. this is the most confusing thing for me. you're already writing in a more trad format, why would you adapt the worst of the LN format

checkout the paragraph thread I have in the original post. mainly the section about splitting pargraphs for each speaker.


thats about every nitpick for the writing. my biggest issue with this is the narrative itself.

where is the story? let me preface this. I dont read proluge or synopsis. I don't see why I'd continue reading. there's no hook for me. Nothing to intrigue me to continue. This is just from my pov. i don't read slice of life. I guess this counts as such.

Robin is the creepiest character I've read about in a long time. You've done a good job of portraying him and his voice. It's quite uncomfortable reading his thoughts. The only issue is, I don't think you intended to do this.

Robin is unnaturally feminine. I've double checked multiple times to see if the 'he' reference was a typo. I've also checked the
tags and prologue to see if there's a mention of queer anywhere. but there's none.

No 12 year old boy will ever say 'adorable' in a non-deregatory sense. He will 100% not think it, especially about another boy. It's inconceivable to me. I've seen it repeated 5 times and it's unnatural everytime.

Now, let's add the 'tingling' he feels. It's also odd. I don't really know what you were aiming for with this. when all of this is added up, it becomes quite uncanny to me. Oh and he stole the 8 y/o's jacket and takes big whifs of it in his room. what the fuck

this is mainly why I stopped reading. creepy MC + boring premise.

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Fair enough, it isn't everyone's cup of tea. With the characters being as young as they are, I can't use 'queer' or anything resembling it as a tag or genre without people getting the wrong idea, and the story is platonic in nature. Uncanny is a good description, because it's what a lot of kids who are on the autism spectrum experience from their peers. Robin is autistic (undiagnosed) and there are many sensory stims that can be mistaken for something less innocent. This is what was occurring in that particular scene. I have also been informed recently that the 'tingling' sensation is usually considered arousing for neurotypical individuals, while with autistic individuals those tingles are calming, soothing, or just a funny feeling.
But yes, you have a valid point with the 'adorable' description, I'll definitely look into modifying it because Robin sees Timothy as his equal, not lesser-than. That's also the point with the side characters (Timothy's older siblings - David and Emily) being underdeveloped, because Robin cannot relate to them at all. They're just there, often belittling Timothy while Robin cannot understand why they do this.

But thank you for the well-thought-out critique. You have given me plenty to think about while I continue to work on this story.

C.S.Valiant said:

Check my story out.
A Modern Mind in Medieval Times | Scribble Hub
No smut until chapter 15. You can skip it without losing anything.

7 is the greatest number!

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read up to: 10: Uneasy progress

i read this a while ago. It's the 5th most trending novel and 1st in total of number one on trending according to the few months I'm tracking. I was curious as to why. didn't read further than this tho iirc

writing is alright. some areas are stronger than others but overall alright. I'd say biggest strengthes are flow and scene structure.

floating dialogues. why? no.
also do not be afraid of splitting dialogue. like thos for example

“Sire, this is Theo, who is the best hunter and tracker among us, despite his youth,” He said, pointing to a young man only a few years out of his teens, with a thick mop of black hair on his head.

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can be turned it

"Sire, this is Theo," He pointed at young man only a few years out of his teens, with a thick mop of black hair on his head. "The best hunter and tracker among us, despite his youth."

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flows better. directs the reader's gaze

the chatacters. Mc is alright. I don't dislike him. seems naiive to me but thats alright. every other character is a mouse-piece. they have no distinct looks. they make no gestures. No body language. no signals. they just talk. there are no descriptions for them. the scene that highlighted this the most was the scene with the elders. floating dialogues. Random names. no clarification on who is speaking. really messy

shifting POVs. I dislike shifting focus greatly. I don't care about the prince/princess. I see no linking between them and the story with the MC. I want to read a single story not two at once.

other than that i dont have much to comment on. I'm not the biggest reader of kingdom-building. The pace is a bit too fast for my liking too but this is a smut novel so the point is to get there i guess. any critique i have is related to pace. there's not enough time for characters and ideas to mature its all rushed. some characters and how they speak is a bit cartoony. works for LN so its fine i just dont like it.