Is my action scene easy to follow, or am I overdoing it?

I recently posted a new chapter for my story "A Second Chance To Ruin" on Scribble Hub, and it includes my first attempt at writing an action scene.

I’d really appreciate some feedback, especially on a few specific things:

• Does the pacing feel smooth or rushed?
• Is the action easy to follow and visualize?
• Does the scene feel engaging or lacking tension?

You don’t need full context to check it out, but if anything feels confusing, feel free to point that out too, that would help a lot!

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to take a look! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2116848/a-second-chance-to-ruin/

Planetdoom said:

I recently posted a new chapter for my story "A Second Chance To Ruin" on Scribble Hub, and it includes my first attempt at writing an action scene.

I’d really appreciate some feedback, especially on a few specific things:

• Does the pacing feel smooth or rushed?
• Is the action easy to follow and visualize?
• Does the scene feel engaging or lacking tension?

You don’t need full context to check it out, but if anything feels confusing, feel free to point that out too, that would help a lot!

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to take a look! https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2116848/a-second-chance-to-ruin/

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46 chapters, so which chapter is the action scene? I only came here for the action scene, not skimming through every short chapters.

LuciferVermillion said:

46 chapters, so which chapter is the action scene? I only came here for the action scene, not skimming through every short chapters.

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It is chapter 46, the most recent.

Planetdoom said:

It is chapter 46, the most recent.

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A very loooooooong chapter. I get why you want to put it that way. You don't want to leave it as a cliffhanger.

Anyways, your scenes aren't too shabby, you are trying to write a dominant enemy and I understood your scenes.


But apparently, I guess this is what "show, don't tell" means here. It's awfully lacking in character voice and tension.

You aren't making me, your reader, feeling hot blooded. The entire fight felt too chill and relaxed.

His thoughts are cut off as a knee slams into his face.

He staggers back, his nose breaking as blood sprays. He turns, facing away from Alice.

“You seem distracted. You need to pay more attention,” Alice taunts, pressing forward. She rushes in, ready to land the finishing blow—

But she walks straight into his trap.

Maliketh pivots and brings his hand down, slamming the top of her head and driving her into the ground. She bounces on impact before he grabs her by the neck.

“Damn beast… I hate your kind. So annoying. So insignificant,” he growls, staring into her eyes.

He grips her head with both hands.

“Your blood deserves to be spilled.”

Before anyone can react—

He crushes her skull.

Fragments of bone and blood scatter as her body goes limp. His face is drenched as he lets her corpse fall.

He licks his lips.

“Delicious.”

He smiles, almost gently, already feeling the effects of the mana-infused blood.

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"Gah--!?"
Maliketh's thoughts were cut off the moment a knee ram into his face. He staggered a few steps backwards before regaining his posture.
Blood spills from his broken nose.
"Damned beast!" Maliketh roared.
"You seemed distracted." Alice smirked as she pressed forward, aiming to land the finishing blow. "Might as well pay attention--"
"Insolent."
Maliketh slammed his fist at Alice.
"GAAHHH--!!?"
The power was so great that Alice bounced back up from the shock, only to collapse later.
Maliketh grabs her at her face, lifting her. Alice struggled, but she couldn't break free.
"...I've always hated your kind."
CRACK--
Maliketh crushed her skull, just like that. He drank what's left of her fluids and tossed her aside like a sack of trash.
"...delicious."