TLDR: Interesting take on an ethical question on how important agency is in romance. However, chapter 1’s execution relies on portraying how vulnerable the main character is, which makes this story feel less about courtship and more about a transfer of guardianship. You address this well with chapter two, but it’s possible that it comes too late for many readers.
This was definitely harder for me to tackle than the other stories, because of the sensitive topics it tackles. As such, I’ll try and stay focused on the concept of why it did/didn’t land, rather than execution (for the most part).
This is the central theme of your story that you end the first chapter off with: “About what it meant to pursue someone like Miribelle with dignity, ethically, with agency... could it be done?” I don’t know the answer to that question, and I believe your story is attempting to answer that question for me, which does make me feel somewhat uncomfortable. But to be honest? That might be your concept’s selling point. It’s a question that needs to be looked at. At what point does being dependent on another infringe on your right to experience love, and what point does the line get drawn between a partnership and a guardianship.
Currently, Miribelle’s condition portrays her so vulnerable to the point that it becomes hard to imagine she can even survive on her own. If the goal is to present this as Carver choosing a life that’s both a partnership/guardianship (which I’m starting to think your “could it be done” statement by him is hinted at), then I think that you’ve leaned too far into presenting this as a normal courtship. This is a strange dynamic, but the easy going tone clashes with the uncomfortable question you’re presenting to me. That “Could it be done” line should be the focal point of how Carver approaches Miribelle and her father, not a side note at the end of the chapter.
However, if your goal is a standard courtship in spite of her condition, then you should give her more independence so I can believe it’s even possible. We get a portion like here ““Sometimes I forget things…” where it seems like you might be trying to convey that point with her being surprisingly insightful, but a statement like that isn’t enough when all her actions/the general perception of her has contradicted that so far. I’ll give you a suggestion based on what I would’ve helped the story avoid painting her in such a harsh light (if that wasn’t your intention in the first place):
Keep the first two paragraphs from the opening and then throw us into the peach meeting. It would get rid of the “oh that poor girl,” stuff that the whole town’s been hammering home. And it would give you more space to flesh out exactly why Carver came to like her. But if you want to keep the overall story structure the same, then even just having Miribelle be the one to approach her father and say “That’s the peach boy. Can we have another peach,” would do so much work to ease me into their dynamic.
If you want me to tackle this again because you believe I misunderstood something, feel free to let me know and I’ll try and address it.
EDIT: Alright, I read the second chapter of your story, and I have to say this alone addressed almost all of my original points. We get to see Miribelle not as someone incapable of living on her own, but rather someone with a fully unique outlook on life. I initially wrote about shifting the story to first/close third instead of omniscient, but the second chapter changed my mind, convincing me it can work. Because the second chapter change it so, instead of getting a story about an outsider’s perspective on Miribelle, we got that same omniscient feel but anchored inside of Miribelle’s logic. If this is the Miribelle you’re attempting to portray, then I believe it’s strong. But because your first chapter paints her in such a different light, many readers who might otherwise enjoy this might be turned away before they get to this point. I honestly think this could work better as either the prologue to give readers a taste of who she is, or stitched into the beginning of chapter one. But overall, this improved my reading experience by quite a bit.
Line-by-Line (these are notes I take during my read. As such, they are not going to have the same tone as my overall review, and will reflect my current emotions during my read of each line):
The ribbons were worn stiff with pride, but the peaches? - Feels like the comma after pride should’ve been a period for rhythm’s sake.
“They were always soft, sweet things... much like Miribelle.” - Love omniscient narrators, especially with these types of voices.
“He purchased a "Model Package" spell, a Ministry-approved magical enhancement. Nothing particularly illicit, just a few subtle tweaks: glossier hair, a soft pout to her lips, a sparkle in her gaze, and a modest but noticeable bosom boost.” - This kind of comes off as her father agreeing with everyone else that she has nothing to offer beyond desirability, and it’s a stark contrast to how I’ve viewed him otherwise.
““But no one’s come courting in months,” Mrs. Tansy finished, wringing her lace napkin.” - Don’t need so many different versions of her struggles with courtship in this chapter.
“I looked up her input crystal, from her choker. That’s permitted, so long as it’s not for financial gain. I filed a Notice of Intent. I would like to formally request permission to court her.” - I actually really enjoy the worldbuilding pieces like this, but I feel like this is essentially a dog collar attached with a gps.
“It's just, she’s of peak courting age,” - Alright, I looked at the synopsis after this and realized why these things were throwing me off. We’re told preemptively that this is a society filled with ableism and is a patriarchy. But the problem is it’s filtered through this somewhat whimsical omniscient narrator that almost tries to soften the blow. It’s like having someone clap and say “I hit your dog with my car!” It’s a huge tonal clash that I’m not fully sure worked for me so far.
“She speaks in colors. And sometimes forgets the right words.” - This feels like it came straight out of Miribelle’s mouth. It’s possible this is your way of trying to make the connection clearer, but I feel like it somewhat detracted from Miribelle’s unique voice by giving it to another.
“calm and flat. Anger low and a firm, plain voice.” - This is six descriptions for his voice in the span of nine words.
“Because maybe this one man was.” - I really, really do like the sentiment here.
“About what it meant to pursue someone like Miribelle with dignity, ethically, with agency... could it be done?” - Actually a good point, because I don’t know the answer to that either.
