Looking for feedback for my novel

Hello everyone, first time making a post on my own.

First things first, I'm pretty much a fledgling when it comes to being a novel writer. I've been writing for fun before, but this project that I'm publishing is my first attempt at having my work published. I'm also not a native English speaker, but I've been using the language for a long time now.

So I've been writing this project as a hobby, creating a story and lore for my OC, the girl on the cover. She initially existed as a character I made in a 3D character customization game, before I eventually spent an unhealthy amount of my paycheck on getting artworks done of her. Eventually, down the line, I decided that just having artwork of her wasn't enough, and I've always been a sucker for the tactical and gun-related media (John Wick, Rainbow Six Siege, etc.), and thus, this work came to life.

I'm currently only writing this novel as a passion project, something to do while I'm free at work, so my upload schedule is only 1 chapter a week on Monday for now, at least until I have enough backlog chapters to potentially upload 2 or 3 per week.

I'm hoping that anyone who would be kind enough to give it a read and give me some feedback, or leave a review if you have the time. Anything would be appreciated, as long as it is constructive and not just pointless slander or just a comment saying it's good enough.


Blurb:

The world was no longer the same, not after being crippled and devastated by the calamity that was the Third World War. Million deaths, both military and civilian. Countless families were left broken and displaced. Towns were laid to waste, ravaged by bombs and artillery. Multiple cities were wiped off the world’s map by bioengineered weapons and nuclear bombs. Nations weakened, broken, divided. Old empires collapsed, and new ones were born and baptised by the ashes of war.

In the wake of the war, international criminal organizations formed, pirate groups powerful enough to control entire regions of the ocean and terrorize even naval forces, and corporations and secret societies took advantage of the fragile new world to further their ambitions.

To combat the new world’s threats, various Private Military Companies formed all around the globe, offering their services to any nation with enough capital but not enough military power to deal with the plethora of threats. This gave rise to the new age of PMC and Mercenaries.

My Phan, birthed by a human-trafficked mother, raised in captivity, and later rescued by a PMC, but not before witnessing her mother’s death. Adopted by the man who rescued her.

My was raised and guided to be a PMC soldier when she became of age. As she stepped into the world of mercenaries, she must become strong and fierce enough to overcome countless threats to the new and fragile peace, to uphold her own sense of justice, and to exact vengeance against the higher forces that have caused so much suffering to her before.

Follow My (Maple) Phan as she battles against criminal syndicates, pirate overlords, corporate tyrannies, and monsters lurking within secret societies all around the world.

What to expect:

• Tactical Squad Action and Gun-fu
• Detailed actions and description
• Seeming Happy-go-lucky female main character with a tragic past and a slightly psychotic side
• World-building on alternate history events that mirror the real world
• Occasional adult-oriented chapters contain gore, smut, and/or disturbing topics. It's an adult-oriented novel.

Your writing is stylized for a very specific niche of readers who aren't me. I want to be upfront about that so you know to ask feedback from a better source later. That being said, I can give some general feedback that I think will help you.

Far off from civilization, in the middle of the tropical jungle of Vietnam, there was a flight of military helicopters flying toward their objective. Their arrival disturbed the calmness of the jungle, splitting the tree tops as they flew barely above the treeline.

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Streamline the flow of sentences by speeding up verbs and cutting redundancies. You can also afford to create some thicker paragraphs. Like so:

Far off from civilization, in the middle of the tropical jungle of Vietnam, a flight of military helicopters moved toward their objective. Their arrival disturbed the calmness of the jungle, splitting the tree tops. Four UH-60VX Black Hawks in diamond formation, each carrying a squad of PMCs. Their objectives--set weeks in advance. Each was dressed in black camouflage, with armor plates and various other protective gear.

I also can't believe I'm saying this ... but this might be the first story I've ever read that I think might work a bit better in present tense. Try it out, but it's ultimately up to you.

In the leading Black Hawk was Alpha squad, led by a First Lieutenant Harrison Armstrong, although to people he kept company, it was just simply “Harry”. He had been a US Marine for ten years, with multiple deployments throughout the final years of the Third World War. His service throughout the war and after had shaped him into the disciplined man that he is today. After his services ended, he spent a few years as a local SWAT officer in his hometown before he was recruited as a PMC for the Black Angels Division.

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Again, these paragraphs just feel like they belong together. They have the same theme, same flow. Putting them together in tight paragraphs like the two above actually makes the pacing feel more fluid. Save short paragraphs for dialogue and action. Additionally, it would really help the professionalism of your work to bring the paragraphs closer together. One line of space is plenty, and will make your work much easier to read.

“Alright, comm check, this is Alpha 1-1,” he said.

“Bravo 1-1, copy,” said the squad leader to his left.

“Charlie 1-1, hear you loud and clear,” Said the right-side squad lead.

“Delta 1-1, show time,” said the man behind him.

“Archangel’s Wrath, this is Mother Base. Comms are good, headcams are good, you’ve got the green light.”

“Alpha 1, going dark.”

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Firstly, you can feel the difference in pacing when the paragraphs are brought closer together. Also, I know you are going for a cinematic/authentic military feel. But this is a bit too much for a book (as opposed to maybe a movie that could be doing this in the background while establishing important shots.

Try:

“Delta 1-1, show time,” said the man behind him.

“Archangel’s Wrath, this is Mother Base. Comms are good, headcams are good, you’ve got the green light.”

“Alpha 1, going dark.”

After those last words, the platoon swiftly disappeared into the darkness of the jungle, ready to deliver chaos

May 25, 2045 - 23:01​

South Central Coast, Vietnam – Location [Redacted]​

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This is fine if you are just trying to make scene separations that look militaristic. Just don't rely on them for the audience keeping up with how much time has passed. Readers are super lazy that way.

The fort was abandoned for years and only recently rediscovered in the early 2030s. The new tenant of the fort quickly renovated the place and built new facilities on top of it, or more specifically, underneath the fort. Once it was renovated and turned into a hidden entrance for an extensive underground facility, it quickly became one of the most lucrative distribution hubs for illegal activity in Central Vietnam.

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Case in point, I unironically missed that this was set in the future, until I read this paragraph. I am no exception to the rule. That being said, your setting is an interesting hook, and you should be commended on it.

Hundreds of millions of dollars of illegal goods flowed through this hub, which in turn were picked up by smaller gangs and distributors. The fort was responsible for a huge area of operation, from the Mekong River Delta all the way through Shanghai and New Delhi.

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Wait! What's illegal in 2045? You have established something cool about the world, that it is a slightly distant future. So let yourself play with it a little. Also, telling us things like what is illegal good in 2045 will tell us a LOT of interesting and vital things about the rest of the world this story is set in.

That one mistake allowed the Black Angels Division to track the convoy toward an area densely populated by nature. Within a week of surveillance and scouting, the PMC had a solid grasp and capability of the base and its occupant, and greenlit a “Search and Rescue” operation. Tonight was specifically chosen since they had solid intel suggesting that the base would be in a state of lower security.

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By this point, the omniscient god-narrator is starting to get noticeable. By this point, you need to ground your story into the perspective of a character. Have them reflect on this sort of stuff. Instead of telling us what branch of military got what info, tell us who conveyed it to the character who is reflecting. Or, better yet, have the character talk about it with someone. Or even better, have instructions given over the radio by a specific intel person or people, who we can get attached to. Preferably who have a unique relationship and some sort of banter with the point of view character.

Lee was amongst the few unlucky few that were “voluntold” to guard the base, to have at least a minimum security on the surface, to at least warn the base if something were to happen.

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Another problem with not being grounded with any particular character is that we have no emotional stakes. We don't care about the base, because we don't know the importance of it. Thus, we don't care who is guarding it or what it's security level is. And I'm not just talking about this paragraph. By now, we should be rooted in some sort of emotional stakes to make us care about what is happening.

Something whizzed past him, swiftly ripping through the air. He heard a thud from the guard tower to his right. He only took a glance up at the tower and immediately knew that his comrade was already dead.

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Again, same problem. We don't know his friend. We've never met them. We haven't seen any banter. So we don't care.

He took up his AK-47 and aimed down where he thought it came from. The jungle canopy barely allowed any light to peak through to see, and it was even harder to spot anything, even when he was sober and alert, let alone in his current intoxicated state.

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An AK? In the year of our Lord Satan 2045? Why not an AK-48? (being a bit facetious ... but you get the point).

Lee faceplanted onto the ground, his hands grabbed onto his neck as blood poured through the two newly made holes.

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Minor grammar point I've seen a few times in this chapter. Be careful of personifying body parts. "his hands grabbed onto his neck" reads like his hands are characters. You'll want "he grabbed his neck."

“Nice deep throat you just gave to that last one, ay?” Said the Delta’s squad leader.

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RIP Lee. You were a real one ... I think? (Silly way of saying, I don't know who I'm supposed to be rooting for because the story isn't giving me any hints.)

Okay, I'll cut it here because we're starting to run into the same issues over and over. I had fun with this. And I think you have some cool ideas. But they are very hidden. I think addressing the points above will really help your strengths shine brighter.

I hope this helps!
Best of luck in your writing.