The Royal Seed: Awakening - Feedback please!

I have been working on my series, the first I have done, and have 24 chapters live (233 pages). I would love some feedback from anyone who has read it or who decides to read it.

Please let me know what you think! I wanted to right something that was in the harem/smut genre but that featured deep world building, extensive character driven stories for the female characters, and an interesting magic system that only develops more as the story progresses.

Going through the first chapter. Your descriptions and scene creations are pretty solid. I never feel like I'm lost. And it's obvious you are going for a mature storytelling feel with your smut, which is awesome. (There are plenty of good qualities, but from this point on I'm going to mainly focus on any issues present. Just because ... writer to writer ... I think we both know that constructive criticism is most helpful.)

The first issue I hit and find jarring is in tone. I'm at the part where the two women arrive, talking about his adoption. And I get that this is erotica. I write that myself. But the tone shifts to fast from "these babes are hot" to "oh my god, you know my birth parents???" Give each sentiment more time and space away from one another. I recommend sticking with shock and the protag picking up on a tense atmosphere before musing the hotness later, maybe even in a different chapter.

Next is the incredulity at the women's assertions. Acting like he doesn't believe them, when his parents are standing right there, listening to the whole thing. Some inner doubt would work, but voicing it seems a bit ... dumb and angsty teenager and not in a good way? The senator bit was also fairly far-fetched and not at all necessary. Yes, it would be strange to be told you are related to noblety. But being able to speed dial a senator who gave you a custom video is even more strange. Not everything needs extraordinary evidence. Just trust that your readers can stick with you in believing the story you are crafting. And make the doubts internal.

After that, the story mellows into the kind of stress and consistent tone that works for a story like this. Genuinely, your capability as a storyteller is there. It's just that the sticky points come across as ... very sticky. But I think you'll be able to smooth it out no problem. And I think figuring out how to smoothe tonal shifts and trusting your readers in your first chapter will help you smooth similar problems that may be in further chapters.

I hope that helps!
Best of luck.

Thank you! And that makes sense, I've looked back at some of the earlier chapters and realized how much I think things improved as it went along. I am looking to divide it into books so will likely revise the first 10 chapters once the first book is done.


*update- Actually - I just reread the first chapter and this was great feedback. I made some edits, and I think it reads much smoother.

I think I was trying to set the tone that it was erotica in the first chapter even though it didn't naturally fit what would be happening there.

Thank you!