would you read the story if the main character had this lore?

It was ten in the morning when the children rushed outside to play on the school playground. Excitement and enthusiasm filled the air as they hurried toward the door.


"I wanna play in the sandbox!"


"Me too! Me too!"


"Hehe~ I'm going to the seesaw! Wanna come?"


"Mmm!"


They quickly formed groups, each engaged in different activities. Some played ball, others dug into the sandbox with their toys, and a few ran around, giggling as they played tag.


But in the corner, a lone boy sat on a swing. It was Shin Soru, just six years old at the time. He watched the others in silence, his small hands gripping the chains as he gently swayed back and forth.


Their teacher, Sayuri, noticed him and approached with a warm smile. "Are you alright, Shin-kun?"


"..."


Shin Soru was known as the quiet one among his classmates. Though they often invited him to play, his struggle to express emotions created an invisible barrier between them. That distance left him on the outskirts of their world, watching instead of joining.


"Don't you want to join the other kids? I'm sure you'll like it!"


Despite Sayuri’s attempts to cheer him up, Soru remained silent. His lack of response made the moment awkward. But then, she noticed his gaze fixed in a particular direction.


"Hm? What's wrong, Shin-kun?"


"Someone has a dangerous weapon aimed at me..." Soru said, his eyes locked on the distant target.


Sayuri’s breath caught in her throat. His words sent a chill down her spine. She understood immediately—this was serious.


Without hesitation, she brought her wrist to her lips and activated the watch’s hidden function.


"Report! Subject Alef has detected a hostile entity, over."


A response crackled through almost instantly. "Determine its approximate position."


Sayuri met Soru’s gaze, trying to trace where he was looking. Her heart pounded when she saw it—a building, several kilometers away.


"Hostile possibly at 9 o’clock!" she called out.


"Roger. Sending ground team to that location, over."


Beyond the school grounds, in a towering high-rise several kilometers away, a sniper lay prone on the rooftop. The building stood thirty stories tall, complete with a helipad. Beside the sniper, a spotter adjusted his scope, both men focused on a single target—the young Shin Soru.


"I-I can't believe it. To think he could determine our location from this distance...!"


The spotter and sniper were both elite soldiers, hired by a secret government organization in Russia. They were considered one of the best in their country, having taken the lives of hundreds on the battlefield together.


"Look at that eye of his… just like the reports said. Completely devoid of emotion!" the spotter exclaimed.


"D-Da. I-It's like he's staring straight into my soul," the sniper muttered, his hands trembling.


He took another glance through his scope after a brief pause, only to find Shin Soru’s eyes still locked onto their position. A chill ran down his spine. Trying to shake off the unease, he turned to his companion and changed the subject.


"H-Heh, the organization managed to smuggle this experimental rifle from Ukraine. It was supposed to be publicized two years from now. They claim it can hit targets up to four kilometers away."


The spotter scoffed, letting out a short laugh. "Pft. You really think those Western bastards could develop a weapon with that kind of range and firepower?"


"Hah. That’s what the higher-ups told me when they handed me this beast. Maybe they can pull it off..."


A sudden burst of static from their radio cut the conversation short. A deep voice came through—their superior.


"Comrade, how is it going?"


"Status report. The target has identified our location. His teacher, most likely a planted spy from the opposing organization, is using a communication device disguised as a watch," the spotter replied.


"Understood. Take the shot before those Japanese bastards corner you. We must secure the data at all costs."


"Da."


With orders confirmed, the two soldiers prepared to execute the plan.


"You heard the boss," the spotter said.


The sniper gave a slight nod and adjusted his position. He could feel the cold air against his cheeks and the warmth of the concrete beneath him.


"Distance, approximately 3,810 meters. Wind speed, 1m/s due east," the spotter reported, keeping his eyes on the scope.


"Adjusting barrel and scope position..."


After some careful calculations on the bullet's trajectory, the sniper took a deep breath, steadying his grip on the trigger.


"If we land this shot, it’ll be the longest recorded in history. Too bad it'll stay classified..."


"Shut up. Just close your eyes and take the shot," the spotter said, slightly annoyed.


"Alright, alright. I was just trying to ease the tension..."


Not that it matters. If that kid really has the power they say he does, we’re dead anyway...


Just as the sniper was about to pull the trigger, a strange thought crossed his mind.


Wait… does closing our eyes actually help us avoid death?


As he applied pressure to the trigger, something unexpected happened. The rifle suddenly exploded in his hands, breaking apart before he could even fire. The bullet meant for Soru never left the chamber.


"Suka! What the heck was that?!"


A metallic clink echoed on the rooftop. Both men opened their eyes and saw the bullet’s primer and head rolling on the concrete. The spotter instantly understood what had happened and grabbed his radio.


"S-Status report. No casualties on our side—only the experimental rifle exploded after igniting the primer, over."


"As expected. Comrades, abandon your position immediately!"


"Da!" they both responded, hurriedly packing their equipment. The broken rifle was left behind as they prepared to retreat.


But just as they were about to move, the spotter felt a sudden sting in his thigh and collapsed.


There had been no gunshot. No warning. Yet, a bullet had pierced his leg.


"Blyad’! They found us!"


Suddenly, a loud thud echoed from the rooftop door. Several men, clad in dark garments and armed with rifles, burst through and surrounded the two operatives.


"Prepare for direct combat!"


Gunfire erupted as both sides scrambled for cover, ducking behind rooftop structures while exchanging bullets. Their respective higher-ups reacted swiftly, but the Russian side was especially rattled—their covert operation had been exposed.


"How did they find them that fast?! They were miles away from the target!"


"Probably with their advanced drones and satellite surveillance. The Japanese are leading in cutting-edge technology these days…"


"Svoloch'! To hell with those nosy easterners and their tech! Execute Phase Two!"


"Da!" the Russian operatives shouted in unison before swiftly shifting to their next plan.


Meanwhile, the Japanese secret organization, tasked with protecting their citizens from external and internal threats, remained focused on their primary objective.


"While our strike team deals with those scum, we need to assess the subject’s current status," the leader commanded with authority.


One of his subordinates stood and delivered a report. "Status update! Our agent confirms that Subject Alef is showing no further signs of suspicious activity. However, she warns that further movements regarding the subject may be imminent."


"I see…" the leader murmured. "In that case, maintain strict surveillance on Subject Alef until further notice."


"Yes, sir!"


Back at the school, Sayuri—the agent secretly assigned to monitor Shin Soru—watched him closely. Though she maintained a composed expression, the intensity of her gaze did not go unnoticed. Soru glanced at her but chose to ignore it.


Beneath Sayuri’s calm exterior, a storm of unease swirled within her. The enemy’s presence didn’t shake her, nor the safety of the kid beside her.


She knew, deep down, that Shin Soru wasn’t the one in danger.


He was the danger.


This is the hardest mission I’ve ever taken… Protecting a high-value target is one thing, but guarding a threat like this…


"S-Shin-kun, why don’t we head inside? There are some snacks waiting for you!" Sayuri said in a cheerful tone, masking her unease.


"Okay," Soru replied, rising from the swing.


Sayuri stood up and reached out her hand toward Soru. He took it without hesitation, noticing the slight dampness of her palm.


As they walked calmly, Sayuri spotted a young girl running toward them—it was one of her pupils.


"Senseiii~!"


Sayuri quickly realized the girl was about to jump and instinctively spread her arms wide.


"Hup!"


She caught the girl smoothly, earning a giggle as the child hugged her tightly.


"Sensei~, where are you going?" the girl asked, her voice full of curiosity.


Sayuri looked into her cheerful eyes and replied, "Soru and I are heading inside to eat some snacks."


"That sounds fun! I want some too!"


Sayuri smiled. "Is that so? Then let’s go together!"


Just then, she remembered Soru was still with them. Turning back to take his hand again, she stopped mid-motion.


She saw Soru stood completely still. His lips were moving, murmuring something.


Lip-reading was one of her skills as an agent, and it didn’t take long to decipher his words.


The moment she understood what he had just said, a cold weight settled in her chest.


Without a second thought, she gently placed the girl down and pressed another hidden button on her watch. A deep-red flash flickered across the screen, displaying two words: "Code: Black."


The message was sent directly to headquarters. The moment Sayuri’s report came through, chaos erupted within the Japanese organization's facility. Alarms blared across the entire base, their deafening wail signaling one undeniable fact—


Subject Alef had released his Second Limiter.


"Everyone, administer Propofol and erase Subject Alef from your thoughts immediately!" the organization's leader commanded through the mic.


Without hesitation, those aware of Shin Soru’s identity pulled out the potent sedative from their pockets and injected themselves. As they waited for the drug to take effect, they focused on one task—forgetting him from their very minds.


Back at the kindergarten, Sayuri was also reaching into her hidden pocket, her fingers wrapping around her own dosage of Propofol. Just as she was about to inject herself, a gentle tug on her sleeve made her pause.


"Sensei, are you okay?"


Sayuri froze. Looking down, she met the innocent eyes of the young girl—eyes unaware of the looming danger.


Her grip on the syringe tightened.


Maybe… I should just…


A thought flickered in her mind, but she quickly shook it away. Without another second of hesitation, she pressed the needle into her arm and injected the sedative. Her hands trembled, and she collapsed to her knees.


No… I have a family waiting for me. I can’t afford to die here!


Sweat trickled down Sayuri’s face as the girl watched her with concern. She didn’t understand what was happening to her teacher, but instinctively, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Sayuri.


"Sensei, it’s going to be alright," the girl whispered, gently patting her head.


Something inside Sayuri broke. In that moment, all she could see in her mind was her family—her two beautiful children, the warm smile of her husband waiting for her back home. Their faces repeated over and over, filling her with longing.


I'm sorry... I'm sorry...


Sayuri closed her eyes and hugged the girl tightly. Slowly, the sedative took effect, pulling her into unconsciousness.


...


"...Sir, it seems like this one's still alive. She's only unconscious..."


"Separate her before she wakes up!"


Muffled voices echoed through Sayuri's mind. As she struggled to open her eyes, everything was blurry. Two moving silhouettes stood in front of her.


"Mmmgh..."


She felt someone touching her wrist. Though her body was weak, she tried to jerk her arm. The person holding her wrist noticed the slight movement.


"M-Ma'am, are you alright?" a woman’s voice asked.


Her vision was still hazy, but she managed to respond. "Y-Yes, I'm good now..."


"We need assistance here, immediately!" the woman called out.


Just as Sayuri was about to move, a sudden realization struck her. The girl she had held before losing consciousness—what had happened to her? A wave of dread washed over her, and her eyes widened in panic.


"The girl...!"


She felt a weight in her leg and immediately assumed it was the child. As her vision finally cleared, she turned to check.


"Hey, are you—"


Her words caught in her throat.


"This...!"


Sayuri saw that the girl's left eye was missing, a faint wisp of smoke curling from the wound’s edges. The skin around it was darkened and rough. Shock overtook her and faltered, causing the child's head to slip from her leg.


"Ah—!"


The child’s head hit the ground with a soft thud. Blood seeped from the upper part of her head, spreading slowly across the dirt. Sayuri knelt, her hands trembling as she examined the injury further. The wound was precise—a clean, brutal puncture through the eye socket, deep enough to reach the brain before exiting through the skull above.


"Ma’am, maybe it’s best if you don’t see that—"


Sayuri stepped back, waving her hand dismissively.


"It’s alright. I-I...!"


Her voice wavered as men approached with stretchers, the faint rustle of their movements breaking the stillness. They placed one beside her.


"Ma’am, we need you to lie here for a moment..."


Left without a choice, Sayuri complied in silence, easing onto the stretcher. As they carried her toward the ambulance, her gaze lingered on the young girl’s lifeless body.


I need to calm my nerves. As an agent of the organization, I mustn’t let their deaths cloud my emotions…


Sayuri closed her eyes, exhaling slowly before lying back on the stretcher.


Not far from them, two other children lay dead with identical injuries. The authorities spoke in hushed tones, oblivious of what had caused their mysterious deaths. Only the organization knew the truth—Soru, referred to as "Subject Alef," was behind this.


Half an hour later, a familiar figure arrived at the scene. Sayuri recognized him instantly as he approached, his footsteps steady against the uneven ground.


"Agent, are you alright?"


"Y-Yes," she replied in a low tone.


"Your hands are trembling... It doesn’t seem like you’re fine."


Sayuri glanced down, noticing the faint but persistent shake in her hands. She clasped them together and took a deep breath, the cool air filling her lungs. Gradually, the trembling subsided, leaving her still once more.


"Give me a status report."


"O-Okay," his colleague replied, quickly handing her the tablet. "Besides those snipers and some of our personnel who failed to comply with the director's orders, these are the reported individuals who died with the same injuries—all around the world."


So there were unlucky ones within the organization too... Sayuri thought as she took the tablet and began scrolling through the list.


"Wait, around the world?" she muttered, her fingers pausing mid-scroll as realization sank in.


On the list, Sayuri saw several high-ranking officials from well-known countries who had been declared dead. Some were known figures in military departments. Every single one of them share the same injuries.


"These are just the estimates," the man told her. "There may be other casualties hidden from the media and our intel."


"I see," Sayuri murmured, handing the tablet back. "So his presence has now reached the far West, huh..."


This is bad. The more people take an interest in Subject Alef, the greater the threat he becomes...


"If this continues, adding more pressure to him will only lead to more casualties."


"It seems that’s the case," the man replied.


"What about the weapon used by the perpetrator? If I had to guess, it was probably thermal-based..."


"That's the interesting part," the man said, swiping across the tablet’s screen. "Thanks to our self-sufficient system, it managed to triangulate the source of the attack while everyone was unconscious. According to its calculations, the weapon was positioned in high-Earth orbit. However, it appears to be damaged—likely by its own attack."


"Luckily," the man added, "some of the circuitry is still online, allowing us to trace the signal’s source. It’s coming from the Siberian region. Right now, some of our agents deployed in Russia are infiltrating the site. We should receive intel any second now..."


Suddenly, a notification popped up in the corner of the tablet.


"Oh, speak of the devil," the man murmured as he opened the folder.


Seeing the contents, the man instantly froze. Sayuri caught the change in his expression—his eyes locked onto the screen, unmoving. A sense of unease crept over her as she leaned in. When she saw what was displayed, her breath hitched.


"They're... all dead?"


"Y-Yes..." the man stammered, scrolling through images of the deceased.


Sayuri sat back, stunned. Her mind was in disarray.


Just how many had died on this incident?!


The true death toll far exceeded what their organization's intel had recorded. Scattered across the world, other groups—aware of Subject Alef’s existence but unaware of his Second Limiter or how to temporarily bypass it—had been completely wiped out. None had survived.


"Damn it... This is madness...!" Sayuri muttered, pressing a hand to her head.


How many secret organizations had learned of his existence and perished in silence?


Sayuri lifted her gaze toward the sky, falling into a moment of contemplation.


"Where's Subject Alef now?"


"He's with his mother. They were probably removed from the scene, thinking it might traumatize the kid," the man replied.


"Trauma?!" Sayuri's voice rose as she locked eyes with him. "Hah! He's the one who caused this mess, yet they—!"


"Agent, lower your voice," the man cautioned. "You’re drawing the civilian's attention."


Sayuri glanced around. Several rescuers and onlookers were watching her. She exhaled sharply, forcing herself to calm down.


"Tch. The organization should have contained that monster ages ago instead of letting it roam free and wreak havoc. Just how many people have to die before they take action?"


"We both know Subject Alef's containment is impossible," the man replied. "With his capabilities, restricting him would only lead to more casualties. As long as we avoid any threat that could bring him any harm, we can at least mitigate the risks. That is what our organization was created for..."


Hearing his words, Sayuri fell silent. After a moment, she pulled out her wallet. Inside, a photograph of her family rested in its sleeve. She stared at it, her fingers tightening around the edges.


"...Tell the higher-ups I’m stepping back from this operation."


The man’s eyes widened. "You know you can’t do that! You are—"


"I know." She sighed. "What I mean is, instead of monitoring that monster up close, I want to work from the backlines. Any position will do—I just need to lower my stress levels."


The man hesitated before nodding. "...Alright. I’ll try to persuade them."


As the man stepped away to contact the higher-ups, Sayuri glanced at the photo again, her fingers tracing its edges. She let out a deep sigh.


I know my fate is bound to that being. Escaping its grasp is utterly impossible...


Her eyes lingered on her husband’s face in the picture. His warm smile, frozen in time, brought a faint grin to her lips.


"It looks like I’m the one doing the protecting on our family now. Don’t you think so, dear?"

First off, I'd say theres a lot of talking, and I mean a lot. Kids are impulsive and selfish, make them act which causes the arguments to go first on the seesaw, calling dibs and arguing, make that reflect in the teacher who comes back over to the quieter kid just to add personality to the scene.

As funny as 'hehe' is in dialogue it can really remove some of the grounding the scene could benefit from.

You have the noise, the playing but it all feels set up like a stage, you don't have a history, this isn't routine, the teacher doesn't have a favourite leaning spot near the swings to keep the silent isolated kid company, the 'invisible barrier' you mention isn't given an emotion like saying Shin is too distant, looking through people or something more.

Describe the place with movement, with noise, rather than speaking.

I'd also recommend intentional descriptions, 'his small hands' almost feels like you would be trying to apply an emotion, are you saying the character is small, weak, vulnerable, or is this something you did by accident. It isn't wrong here, just feels slightly ahead of the surrounding passage.

As much as the trope loves honorifics, if you are a teacher with small children, don't forget some teachers will drop them, especially for small children unless the school itself is very formal, 6 is still within the age of kindergarten.

The whole shooter/spotter section is extremely wordy, to the point of exposition. I'd recommend looking at any kind of police engagement, you don't chat for 5 minutes while aiming at a target out in the open, you prepare and wait.

The weapon would have been set up earlier, the spotter would be keeping an eye on the surroundings, the shooter would be down the scope waiting for the call and target confirmation.

If you are trying to build intrigue for your main character, providing something for the audience to actually grab onto helps, if you need dialogue to exposition the shooters location and everything, context helps, even if vaguely talking about 'this is the kid who...'. Give the character history, give them some feat, give them some rumour or flaw, give them a title like the 'cursed child' or whatever your story has.

It also makes no sense that the kid, who chooses to look exactly in their direction, has them questioning 'how did they find us' as if they didn't just see it.

'Elite soldiers' who cannot look upon a child with a blank face without stuttering and trying to flee their post, and yet decide to exposition vital and confidential information like the rifles origin, while in a building that to their knowledge could be wiretapped.

As for Sayuri, I almost felt slightly disappointed that she immediately talks about 'Subject Alef' which I assume is trying to reference 'ALEPH' such as Lobotomy Corporation for their abnormalities as that came out of nowhere.
It dehumanises the main character but not in any way that endears them, they are now just a test subject which was being treated in a friendly neutral manner and nothing beyond professional interaction.
If you wanted to make the scene stronger, any emotional response, any anger or frustration towards the MC, anything that makes them a target. Direct the readers empathy, does the little girl accuse the MC of something because the teacher is freaking out, does the girl cry out in pain from the teacher gripping her hand too hard and blame the MC, using that resentment or isolation the kids have towards him further.

Trying to label the MC will only work well if it is tied into other things, why do we care about the MC if he is just 'an object' that others like the teacher are reacting to. It isn't instinctive to look at a cat eating a living bird and say 'aww the poor kitty must have been hungry', that is the disconnect in this scene, the emotion, the panic, the attachment, is tied to the teacher, who is at best a neutral party with no emotional connection to the MC, no accusation, frustration. I can't feel anything because nothing is being felt.

'Hardest mission ever' is something which someone with memory loss or dementia would excel at, we have no reason to assume or agree that the MC is a difficult child, we get an adult having a random breakdown for very little reason and failing to externalise their panic.

It doesn't make the scene 'wrong' but even talking about it being 'the hardest mission' when all they needed to do was set up the school outside of the city with higher walls or something like an indoor play area in a gym.

Bonus points for the whole setup feeling a bit silly, if people need to be unconscious or otherwise 'not know' about the MC, why let him exist around a bunch of other kids, why not have auto-injector bracelets for them, why not have any basic safeguards. She had to 'choose' between herself and the random kid, when there was basically no reason for that from what I can tell.

The power is also unreasonably scaled, because the effect I would assume would be easy to replicate, all you need if a large speaker attached to a vehicle and to drive around playing a song near the main government building of your enemies, trigger the limiter and suddenly all your political rivals are dead.

If the big C illness and the examples in World of Warcraft are anything to go by, all it takes is someone posting the information in an online advert or broadcasting TV, radio or otherwise to wipe out half of the planet within minutes, cognitohazards aren't something you can even let outside of a padded room.

As for cognitohazards, since it's in my self proclaimed title, theres a reason most are conditional, you need to have seen the thing directly or the effect is weaker by distance or the information must be in a specific format. Currently without that context, a 'worldwide death count' including people who have nothing to do with the project in their own organization, who would know and be told about needing to wipe memories, implies a general failure in the setting.

Even if you had the hidden condition of 'subject needs to be actively thought about', the black alert tells the audience that the whole world is apparently stupid, since the alert itself would cause active propagation of the idea.

Make it a generalised 'memory erasure alert' or something give me some hope that an organization has some basic awareness of the context of the ability in question and that it isn't all powerful mass extinction but instead requires 'recent' awareness or memories regarding the subject for something like death to happen while others get headaches, migraines and lesser conditions as they are forced to forget the information.

Limitations are what can make this interesting.

Boundless said:

true neutral in personality

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This is a meta label, not a character description. At best it means they ignore moral issues, at worst it means they are a blank tool that chooses to do nothing but exist. Be very wary about lack of characterization because being emotionally distant and passive aren't always read as neutrality traits.

Boundless said:

his power is heavily dependent to his opponent

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This is a mechanical rule not a hook for fights, it is also very surface level. This is such a general statement it applies to almost every character, turns out that my sword doesn't work against this tank, turns out the weapon matchup was heavily dependent on my opponent.
This is where issues like exposition, pacing and the scene credibility come in, on top of reader empathy, it can be very difficult to care depending on the context.

Boundless said:

explore the extent and loopholes of his powers

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Again be extremely careful, that is what you as the author find interesting about the story. Be very careful you don't completely ignore the characters while trying to do so, since that can lead to people treating the MC as a tool or object in the first place, reducing their agency and impact.

If I was a betting girl, I'd potentially say that is even why you are choosing a neutral protagonist, it is easier to get the MC to do anything, switch sides or be utilised if they lack their own distinctive personality.
True Neutral characters in things like tabletop games are sometimes banned on principle for a reason, people tend to play 'neutral' as low agency, as characters who are apathetic and are there just so the player can play in the game, rather than the struggles of the character.

Someone who might be pragmatically neutral can still act upon things, can still take actions and make decisions, someone who maintains a balance still needs to have a will to act and respond. Even a detached neutrality who prefers to stay out of things, needs a will, needs fulfilment.
They can still have friends, can still passionately have hobbies, can still be angry and protective of people, can still have strong personal values.

reflect any damage that was inflicted to him.