I’d like some feedback on a book I’m working on

Okay so I’m a returning author. I’ve been away from writing for about 7 years. I’ve recently started a new book, and I’ll only post it after completing it. Can someone give feedback on chapter one?
The Great Sphere
Chapter 1

They drove through Barritarie and made their way along a rough quarry road. This part of Old Providence was less tamed.

“I wonder what your old man found?”

“He didn’t say. He won’t even send me a picture.”

Joshua slowed the truck as the potholes grew larger.

“I think Henry could’ve done a better job cutting this road.”

“Yeah, this is messed up.”

White bushes pushed to each side were covered in dust.

“Casey, I think he didn’t compact the road.”

“Me too.”

Casey shifted in his seat, glancing at his phone. He usually would’ve had a few texts from his girlfriend by now.

Joshua said, “Don’t worry, kid. You’re a good-looking guy with a good head on your shoulders. She’s easy to replace. Trust me. You’ve got a lot to see.”

“Well, I believe you. She already moved on anyway.”

Joshua glanced over. “What a bitch.” They laughed.

The road up the mountain became much smoother. Smooth enough to hear the music playing on the radio now. It was an upbeat pop song. Casey loved those. He started humming.

Casey spoke. “Henry started compacting the road from the top-down.”

“If you think about it, it makes sense.”

They made small talk on their way up the mountain. Casey shifted his wristband. He swore he felt it vibrate, but it showed no color. He decided to leave it alone.

As they rounded the last turn, a very large cave came into view, and a parking area had been cleared opposite it. Several cars and trucks were already parked up. All were white or blue, with Knowles on the sides.

Casey said, “Let’s just see what these nerds are up to.”

Joshua raised an eyebrow. “You should talk?”

He reversed the truck into an open spot. They wore blue jumpsuits. Casey’s had filled out nicely. The Knowles name spread across his back, popping on his muscles.

“Kid, you’re a giant like your dad,” Joshua said and smiled.

“I just need money like him.”

“Whatever, kid.” Joshua shook his head and smiled.

The wind was nice and cool. Some gray clouds were rolling over the mountains. An earthy smell came along on the wind.

Casey made his way to the backseat, removing two silver briefcases. They made their way over to the cave, white quarry crunching beneath their boots.

“You know, you can ask your dad to let you come out with me tonight? We can work on getting that girl off your mind.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You just don’t like going out, do you?”

“No.”

The entrance arched forty feet. Stalactites dripped water from its lips. Casey saw that even more were dripping down its throat. The elves had carved steps down the long path.

“Look up, kid.” Light, less than outside, came through holes carved in the mountain top.

“You see the lenses? We’ll have to clean them to see how this place really looks.”

“Those fishes are really creepy, man.” Voices came up the walkway.

“I’ve never seen a fish glow like that.”

“Yeah, and every time I get closer they hiss.”

Casey heard his dad. “Every time I get closer my band starts turning purple, like I’m using a spell.” Joshua and Casey made it to an open area. The area had cleaner lenses. They painted the cavern a golden glow. An altar depicting elves, and a few strange figures stood in its center. And a few white, ruined buildings lay in waste around them.

There's not a lot of meat here. Your chapter is almost exclusively dialogue, with bits of really bare prose here and there. On top of that, most of the dialogue is observational--where characters observe the obvious around them. The result is that there's not a lot going on. It's hard to tell where we are, who we're following, why we're following them, or really any other pieces of important context. For a first chapter, where readers are looking to get a grasp on what your story is and decide if they're interested in where it's going, this is an especially large issue. I'd recommend taking a step back and trying to introduce your narrative.

Joyager2 said:

There's not a lot of meat here. Your chapter is almost exclusively dialogue, with bits of really bare prose here and there. On top of that, most of the dialogue is observational--where characters observe the obvious around them. The result is that there's not a lot going on. It's hard to tell where we are, who we're following, why we're following them, or really any other pieces of important context. For a first chapter, where readers are looking to get a grasp on what your story is and decide if they're interested in where it's going, this is an especially large issue. I'd recommend taking a step back and trying to introduce your narrative.

Click to expand...

I see your point. I’ll probably have to include some stuff in the synopsis when I post it here in a couple months. Thanks a lot for the feedback

Well, if anyone’s interested, here’s the complete first chapter.
Chapter 1


Joshua and Casey drove through the end of Barritarie, now heading onto a rough quarry road. This part of Old Providence had less order.


“I wonder what your old man found?”


“He didn’t say. He won’t even send me a picture.”


Joshua smiled and slowed the truck just as the potholes grew larger.


“I think Henry could’ve done a better job cutting this road.”


“Yeah, this is messed up.”


White bushes pushed to each side were covered in dust. It was windy outside, carrying dust onto the windshield too.


“Casey, I think he didn’t compact the road.”


“Me too.”


Casey shifted in his seat to glance at his phone. He usually would’ve had a few texts from his girlfriend by now.


Joshua sighed. “Don’t worry, kid. You’re a good-looking guy with a good head on your shoulders. She’s easy to replace. Trust me. You’ve got a lot to see.”


“Well, I believe you. She already moved on anyway.”


Joshua glanced over. “What a bitch.” They laughed.


The road up the mountain suddenly became smoother. Smooth enough to hear the music playing on the radio now. An upbeat pop song.


After a little while of silence, Casey started humming along.


Joshua spoke and picked up speed. “Henry started compacting the road from the top-down.”


“If you think about it, it makes sense.”


They made small talk on their way up the mountain. Casey felt his wristband vibrate, but it showed no color. He decided to leave it alone.


Raising his phone to see if it had been a message again, he saw the picture. He had a good smile in their picture together. His face was brighter back then, too. Before Old Providence’s sun had darkened his skin. Nadene looked annoyed in the photo—angry about something, like always.


Casey bit his lip. He tapped the screen, swiped a few times, and changed the screensaver to a plain white background. That was simpler. So much cleaner.


As they rounded the last turn, a very large cave came into view, and a parking area had been cleared opposite it. Several cars and trucks were already parked up. All were white or blue, with Knowles on the sides.


Casey said, “Let’s just see what these nerds are up to.”


Joshua raised an eyebrow. “You should talk?”


He reversed the truck into an open spot. They wore blue jumpsuits. Casey’s had filled out nicely. The Knowles name spread across his back, popping on his muscles.


“Kid, you’re a giant like your dad,” Joshua said and smiled.


“I just need money like him.”


“Whatever, kid.” Joshua shook his head and smiled.


The wind was nice and cool. Some gray clouds were rolling over the mountains. An earthy smell came along on the wind.


Casey made his way to the backseat, removing two silver briefcases. They made their way over to the cave, white quarry crunching beneath their boots.


“You know, you can ask your dad to let you come out with me tonight? We can work on getting that girl off your mind.”


“I’ll think about it.”


“You just don’t like going out, do you?”


“No.”


The entrance arched forty feet. Stalactites dripped water from its lips. Casey saw that even more were dripping down its throat. The elves had carved steps down the long path.


“Look up, kid.” Light, less than outside, came through holes carved in the mountain top.


“You see the lenses? We’ll have to clean them to see how this place really looks.”


“Those fishes are really creepy, man.” Voices came up the walkway.


“I’ve never seen a fish glow like that.”


“Yeah, and every time I get closer they hiss.”


Casey heard his dad. “Every time I get closer my band starts turning purple, like I’m using a spell.”


Joshua and Casey made it to an open area. The area had cleaner lenses. They painted the cavern a golden glow. An altar depicting elves, and a few strange figures stood in its center. And a few white, ruined buildings lay in waste around them.


The place was beautiful. Moss clung to the white stones. The smell of earth mixed with the sound of water trickling to the floor. All of it comfortable to be near.


Joshua turned to his dad first, pulling Casey’s mind back to the task. John waved them over. Tall and broad, hair cut short like Casey’s, skin only a little more darkened by the sun. He was still a bright man. They shared almost every feature.


Casey and Joshua climbed the carved steps, briefcases rattling as they moved. Passing sculptures of elves on the way up. Something gave off a blue light directly behind John. Some guys in white uniforms and black dress pants were up there too. Obviously the voices from earlier.


Casey hadn’t worked for his dad’s company very long. During his time with them, he’d only worked alongside Joshua, so he didn’t recognize the men.


“They’re here to do a second look for the Urban Renewal group,” John said. “The government wants a second opinion on the budget Henry and I proposed.”


His dad smiled and stepped aside. “This is actually what I wanted you to see.”


The fish hissed as Casey and Joshua stepped closer. Casey swore one of them looked dead into his eyes—blue glowing eyes on blue glowing creatures. The intense light made the fifteen-foot pool glow harshly. They were much bigger than any fish he’d ever seen. The pool’s depth looked endless.


Joshua tripped and fell on his hip as he backed up—very likely staining his jumpsuit.


John reached down, both of them smiling, as he pulled him up. Casey stood there in absolute shock.

Honestly... your chapter still maintains a distance between the reader and the story. So I just say, "Oh... this happened, there was a magical fish" instead of "Wow... the magical fish was really amazing." Why?

Because you position the reader as a neutral observer instead of bringing the reader to experience the experience with the character. This happens because you use an omniscient third-person perspective.

You move the character like a plot device and then provide a telling narrative. This is a classic problem, the principle of showing it, don't tell it. The chapter is still dominated by the telling aspect rather than showing, which reduces immersion. The solution?

You could consider a limited third-person perspective. You can narrate only based on what the character subjectively experiences.

Show it through sensory narratives such as visuals (e.g., green hair), sounds (e.g., the onomatopoeia of dripping water, "tes.. tess..."), touch (e.g., the fresh sensation of cave water), smell (e.g., the smell of dampness), physiological (e.g., stomach ache), and emotional states (e.g., inner voice).

Limit your narrative to the character's reactions to the environment. This will make your narrative more immersive.

Additionally, your characters are too dense for chapter 1. I had a hard time identifying who was speaking without additional tags, and it was hard to visualize the characters. Why?

Because you didn't provide enough character introduction. You tend to mention characters' names before the reader even knows them. As a result, the reader can lose focus. The solution?

You can build the character introduction early in the narrative. You can focus on the protagonist. Then, you introduce the protagonist through action. You can show the protagonist's description and personality through dialogue and action.

Make the protagonist the reader's lens through a limited third POV. After that, you can gradually introduce other characters through interactions with the protagonist.

Furthermore, your pacing is less smooth. Your scenes follow a linear pattern of movement from the driving scene to the cave scene. The problem is, you don't provide enough transitions between scenes to give the reader breathing space. The scenes feel like they're jumping around with explanations. The solution?

You need to provide transition scenes to build the atmosphere. For example, when the protagonist is about to enter the cave, you can show what the protagonist sees, hears, and smells before entering. This will create a smoother pacing.

Well, that's a bit of feedback from me. I hope it helps (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a casual reader, reading a chapter at a time to gauge immersion.

Some details may have been missed. My reading experience is subjective and may be biased.