Writing Help me fix my bad writing style

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

I was initially gonna ignore it but too many people have complained about my writing style so I've decided to fix it.

NOTE: English isn't my first language (isn't second language either) and everything about my writing is developed from the web novels that I've read.

So, the origin of my writing style is Korean web novels translated by AI. There are a ton of Korean web novels that were only half translated officially. So I translated them using AI to complete them, and that has become the major part of my writing style.

I want to improve my writing style but I dunno where to start. So, I'll add some small parts of my chapters so please give me examples of how to write them differently so that I can analyze those examples and fix my writing style.

Here they are:

Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy was sitting leisurely.

His deep jet black hair was now long enough to slightly cover his ashen grey eyes, and his body looked very different from before.
He seemed significantly taller, enough to pass for ten years old even though he was only eight.
His frame had gained a faint hint of muscle, and his face now carried a trace of maturity that made his detached expression seem less out of place.

This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade.

Sitting leisurely in his chair, Adrian raised his hand towards the window of the library.

Or more precisely, towards a tree growing outside the library window.

Then he formed an upside-down finger-flick posture with his hand still aimed at the tree.

Suddenly, mana started gathering at the tip of his hand.

It twisted and formed unknown patterns before condensing into a small black orb the size of an apple.
That orb had countless stars shining within itself as if it contained a fragment of the night sky.

Another one:

Adrian’s POV

What qualifies as a cheat ability?

Opinions differ.

Some call it an absurdly overpowered force that breaks common sense. Others say it’s simply an unfair advantage that the protagonist of a story has over everyone else.

For me, it’s clearer: a cheat bypasses the rules everyone else must obey. It frees one person from constraints that bind the masses.

So… what can be considered a cheat in this world?

This world has magic and weapon techniques. It might even have special abilities that I don’t know about yet. But at the core of every single one of those powers lies a single thing—mana.

Mana is the basis of every power here — every technique and spell requires it. The more mana you command, the higher the tier of spells or the level of Infusion Art you can use.

‘Sir Joran said that even time regression and time travel are possible if you have enough mana.’

So if you have enough mana… can’t you do whatever you want?

Last one:

Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants.

She didn’t have to run around all day like other servants. She wasn’t given too many orders.
And she wasn’t punished when she made mistakes.

Why? Because she was the personal maid of young master Adrian.

He didn’t give any orders unless they were necessary. He did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest tasks. Tasks like drawing curtains, adding water in the glass from the jar, other small things like that.

And lastly, he never yelled at her even when Liora made mistakes.

In fact, he never even spoke to her unless necessary.

Young master Adrian had been unusual from birth. He didn’t show any expression most of the time, he didn’t speak unless he needed to, didn’t show interest in things most children his age would be interested in.

‘Maybe that’s how geniuses are, even during their childhood.’ Liora thought.

Liora was happy and proud to be the personal maid of such a person. She couldn’t ask for more as a maid working at the Ravenshade Mansion.

So Liora performed the tasks she had to perform with utmost diligence. She made sure that she made no mistakes while performing those tasks.

(this one isn't polished yet so it might contain some mistakes)

Now, gimmi your advice!!

On a side note, I feel like I'm creating too many threads. Well... can't be helped, I guess.

Eldoria · Dec 13, 2025

I don't know if this is your narrative style or just the example of excerpts from the chapters. However, your narrative is too exposition-heavy. Too many unnecessary, long-winded explanations.

Instead of explaining, you should get straight to the action. Use exposition sparingly to concisely explain the context of the action.

This way, your pacing won't be slow. This is a mistake many beginner writers make (including me at the beginning). But readers prefer a flowing pace, a moving plot, rather than standing still just explaining the world.

I recommend using active sentences more often, rather than adverbial sentences. Focus on the action, use adverbials sparingly.

Unveil the worldbuilding? Do it slowly, following the action plot. Like an apple, you peel it slowly while eating it. Readers need a fresh apple, rather than explaining the skin, texture, and taste of the apple.

This is a small suggestion from me... it might not be very helpful considering I'm not a professional writer, more of a writer who learns by writing stories (learning by doing).

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
On a side note, I feel like I'm creating too many threads. Well... can't be helped, I guess.

I think creating threads is free as long as it is responsible and not spam.

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

Eldoria said:
I don't know if this is your narrative style or just the example of excerpts from the chapters. However, your narrative is too exposition-heavy. Too many unnecessary, long-winded explanations.

Instead of explaining, you should get straight to the action. Use exposition sparingly to concisely explain the context of the action.

This way, your pacing won't be slow. This is a mistake many beginner writers make (including me at the beginning). But readers prefer a flowing pace, a moving plot, rather than standing still just explaining the world.

I recommend using active sentences more often, rather than adverbial sentences. Focus on the action, use adverbials sparingly.

Unveil the worldbuilding? Do it slowly, following the action plot. Like an apple, you peel it slowly while eating it. Readers need a fresh apple, rather than explaining the skin, texture, and taste of the apple.

This is a small suggestion from me... it might not be very helpful considering I'm not a professional writer, more of a writer who learns by writing stories (learning by doing).

I think creating threads is free as long as it is responsible and not spam.

This is what most people complain about when they read my writings.

this is what I wanna fix mainly.

LeilaniOtter · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy was sitting leisurely.

Korean to English is going to be tough! But, let's show you one very good rule right away, between active and passive. "was" proceeding a present-tense verb is too passive. You want to be more active with your scene. So, you could write, "Inside the grand library of Ravenshade Mansion, a young boy sat leisurely." but you might want to change this as well, because with participles like this, you want to establish what's more important for the reader to know about. So you could then write, "A young boy sat leisurely inside the grand library of Ravenshade Mansion." and eliminate the need for a comma, which is more useful to help break sentences.

Whew...okay, while I'm not going to go through everything else, let me just leave you with this book here. It's quite dated but absolutely a must-have for any writer. If you truly want to do proper translations, I strongly suggest it. https://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Fourth-William-Strunk/dp/020530902X *^^*

Good luck!

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

LeilaniOtter said:
Korean to English is going to be tough! But, let's show you one very good rule right away, between active and passive. "was" proceeding a present-tense verb is too passive. You want to be more active with your scene. So, you could write, "Inside the grand library of Ravenshade Mansion, a young boy sat leisurely." but you might want to change this as well, because with participles like this, you want to establish what's more important for the reader to know about. So you could then write, "A young boy sat leisurely inside the grand library of Ravenshade Mansion." and eliminate the need for a comma, which is more useful to help break sentences.

Whew...okay, while I'm not going to go through everything else, let me just leave you with this book here. It's quite dated but absolutely a must-have for any writer. If you truly want to do proper translations, I strongly suggest it. https://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Fourth-William-Strunk/dp/020530902X *^^*

Good luck!

that's all okay but my main problem is about how to write those one liner sentences properly. how would you write the same scene differently without changing the information in the text itself, that's what I wanna know.

Cuz I can improve other things but I just couldn't find advice to fix this point

LeilaniOtter · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
that's all okay but my main problem is about how to write those one liner sentences properly. how would you write the same scene differently without changing the information in the text itself, that's what I wanna know.

Cuz I can improve other things but I just couldn't find advice to fix this point

Honestly, I wouldn't. That sentence stands fine on its own. ? Seriously, get the book.

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

LeilaniOtter said:
Honestly, I wouldn't. That sentence stands fine on its own. ? Seriously, get the book.

But I would. Honestly, my writing style seems slightly annoying even to me. just cant find advice to fix this one liner aspect

LeilaniOtter · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
But I would. Honestly, my writing style seems slightly annoying even to me. just cant find advice to fix this one liner aspect

The book would explain everything to you, I'm sure. You can't expect an entire English lesson here. Don't just reach out for advice, find it yourself. You'll feel really good if you do, and you will want to become a better writer.

?

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

LeilaniOtter said:
The book would explain everything to you, I'm sure. You can't expect an entire English lesson here. Don't just reach out for advice, find it yourself. You'll feel really good if you do, and you will want to become a better writer. ?

I'll try it then, I guess

LeilaniOtter said:
You can't expect an entire English lesson here. Don't just reach out for advice, find it yourself

Not asking for English lessons, just a brief example will do. I can figure the rest out on my own

LeilaniOtter · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
I'll try it then, I guess

Not asking for English lessons, just a brief example will do. I can figure the rest out on my own

I understand. It's just that the bulk of your problem lies in active/passive writing and wrong-sided participles. So...if you look at my example, you can see exactly how to fix things.

OniKaniki · Dec 13, 2025

idk how to advise, but here is some nitpicks and me if I'm the one writing this:

His deep jet black hair was now long enough to slightly cover his ashen grey eyes, and ~~his body looked very different from before.~~ (do we know about his before look? If not, change it)
~~He seemed significantly taller, enough to pass for ten years old even though he was only eight.~~ (Again, do we, or readers know about his previous look? If not, change it. It also repeat the previous line.)

Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy was sitting leisurely in his chair.

He was tall enough to be mistaken for a ten-year-old boy, even if he was only eight. His deep jet black hair was now long enough to slightly cover his ashen grey eyes. His face carried a trace of maturity that was different from every child at his age, but it made his detached expression seem less out of place.

(This description follows in order (from up to bottom): overall body -> hair -> eyes -> face. You can do hair ->eyes -> face-> body too, if you want.)
(I removed the muscle one. It's not really needed, since it's hard to imagine a 10-year-old boy with muscle.)

This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade. (This line is good. I personally like it.)

Sitting leisurely in his chair, Adrian raised his hand towards the window of the library.
Or more precisely, towards a tree growing outside the library window.
Then he formed an upside-down finger-flick posture with his hand still aimed at the tree.

Long exposition, change it into:

He looked up toward the window and thought for a moment. He raised his hand, forming an upside-down finger-flick posture and aimed toward the tree.

Simultaneously, at the tip of his hand, a black aura gathered. It twisted and formed before condensing into a small black orb the size of an apple.

Inside the orb, countless stars shone within like a fragment of the night sky.

I personally don't use "then". You can use it, but you might find yourself in a situation where you heavily rely on it.
"Suddenly" is only used when it's a surprise. We don't have anyone to surprise here; you are the narrator, and the readers won't feel the surprise if there are no other characters around.

-----------

Adrian’s POV

(since you said it's the boy's PoV, the narrator should also follow his PoV, not in narrator's PoV.)
Ok, I gotta admit, idk how to write in the first PoV. Switching from 3rd PoV to 1st PoV is not a good approach (for me personally). You also change from past tense to present tense, which almost makes me trip. So I'm gonna write in 3rd PoV instead.

'What qualifies as a cheat ability?' Adrian wondered while busy himself with the magic he was trying to create. (i assumed it)

Opinions might differ from everyone. Some called it an absurdly overpowered force that breaks common sense. Others said it’s simply an unfair advantage that the protagonist of a story has over everyone else.

For him, it’s clearer:

'It's a cheat that bypasses the rules everyone else must obey,' he smirked.

A cheat, a kind of ability that freed one person from constraints that bind the masses.

So… what could be considered a cheat in this world?

This world had magic and weapon techniques. It might even have special abilities that he didn't know. But at the core of these powers lied a single thing:

"Mana." He wrote the word down in his note.

Mana, the basis of every power. The more mana you had, the higher the tier of spells and the level of Infusion Art you could use.

"Even time regression and time travel are possible if you have enough mana." It was what Sir Joran had said to him.

'So, does that mean, if you have enough mana… You can do whatever you want?' Adrian stroked his chin, furrowed his brows.

It was an interesting principle, yet a dangerous one that needed to be tread carefully.

(I changed it into 3rd PoV. You may notice that I could incorporate his expression into my writing this way. Personally, I find it very hard to write in 1st PoV, since I can't use "I wonder", and "I am confused"). Also, you can add dialogue here and there to make it feel the character actively conversing with the readers and actively move the plot instead of the narrator.

----

(I assume this was Liora's PoV.)

'It's so peaceful here,' Liora yawned while cleaning the mansion.

Her life at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants. She didn’t have to run around all day, wasn’t given many orders, and wasn’t punished when she made mistakes.

Why? Because she was the personal maid of young master Adrian.

"Hehe." The girl smiled and sang a song happily.

The young master did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest tasks.

Unlike them, he didn’t give any orders unless they were necessary, and even never yelled at her, even when Liora made mistakes.

In fact, he only barely spoke to her.

'I wonder what he's doing right now.' Liora fiddled with the hem of her skirt and looked around.

Young master Adrian had been unusual from birth. He didn’t show any expression, didn’t speak unless he needed to, and didn’t show interest in things most children his age would be interested in.

‘Maybe that’s how geniuses are, even during their childhood.’ Liora thought while shaking her head. As a commoner and an uneducated girl, she was happy and proud to be his personal maid.

'Ah, I'm done cleaning already! Let's do the laundry next!' Liora shouted in her mind cheerfully as she sauntered toward the laundry room.

(What do you think I'm adding to it? I'm adding more dialogue and adding more of her personality. which the line "a commoner and an uneducated girl", ppl would know about her background. This way reader will feel and like her more.)\

All of this was a reference; it might have some grammar mistakes here and there.

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

OniKaniki said:
idk how to advise, but here is some nitpicks and me if I'm the one writing this:

Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy was sitting leisurely in his chair.

He was tall enough to be mistaken for a ten-year-old boy, even if he was only eight. His deep jet black hair was now long enough to slightly cover his ashen grey eyes. His face carried a trace of maturity that was different from every child at his age, but it made his detached expression seem less out of place.

(This description follows in order (from up to bottom): overall body -> hair -> eyes -> face. You can do hair ->eyes -> face-> body too, if you want.)
(I removed the muscle one. It's not really needed, since it's hard to imagine a 10-year-old boy with muscle.)

This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade. (This line is good. I personally like it.)

Long exposition, change it into:

He looked up toward the window and thought for a moment. He raised his hand, forming an upside-down finger-flick posture and aimed toward the tree.

Simultaneously, at the tip of his hand, a black aura gathered. It twisted and formed before condensing into a small black orb the size of an apple.

Inside the orb, countless stars shone within like a fragment of the night sky.

I personally don't use "then". You can use it, but you might find yourself in a situation where you heavily rely on it.
"Suddenly" is only used when it's a surprise. We don't have anyone to surprise here; you are the narrator, and the readers won't feel the surprise if there are no other characters around.

-----------

Adrian’s POV

(since you said it's the boy's PoV, the narrator should also follow his PoV, not in narrator's PoV.)
Ok, I gotta admit, idk how to write in the first PoV. Switching from 3rd PoV to 1st PoV is not a good approach (for me personally). You also change from past tense to present tense, which almost makes me trip. So I'm gonna write in 3rd PoV instead.

'What qualifies as a cheat ability?' Adrian wondered while busy himself with the magic he was trying to create. (i assumed it)

Opinions might differ from everyone. Some called it an absurdly overpowered force that breaks common sense. Others said it’s simply an unfair advantage that the protagonist of a story has over everyone else.

For him, it’s clearer:

'It's a cheat that bypasses the rules everyone else must obey,' he smirked.

A cheat, a kind of ability that freed one person from constraints that bind the masses.

So… what could be considered a cheat in this world?

This world had magic and weapon techniques. It might even have special abilities that he didn't know. But at the core of these powers lied a single thing:

"Mana." He wrote the word down in his note.

Mana, the basis of every power. The more mana you had, the higher the tier of spells and the level of Infusion Art you could use.

"Even time regression and time travel are possible if you have enough mana." It was what Sir Joran had said to him.

'So, does that mean, if you have enough mana… You can do whatever you want?' Adrian stroked his chin, furrowed his brows.

It was an interesting principle, yet a dangerous one that needed to be tread carefully.

(I changed it into 3rd PoV. You may notice that I could incorporate his expression into my writing this way. Personally, I find it very hard to write in 1st PoV, since I can't use "I wonder", and "I am confused"). Also, you can add dialogue here and there to make it feel the character actively conversing with the readers and actively move the plot instead of the narrator.

----

(I assume this was Liora's PoV.)

'It's so peaceful here,' Liora yawned while cleaning the mansion.

Her life at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants. She didn’t have to run around all day, wasn’t given many orders, and wasn’t punished when she made mistakes.

Why? Because she was the personal maid of young master Adrian.

"Hehe." The girl smiled and sang a song happily.

The young master did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest tasks.

Unlike them, he didn’t give any orders unless they were necessary, and even never yelled at her, even when Liora made mistakes.

In fact, he only barely spoke to her.

'I wonder what he's doing right now.' Liora fiddled with the hem of her skirt and looked around.

Young master Adrian had been unusual from birth. He didn’t show any expression, didn’t speak unless he needed to, and didn’t show interest in things most children his age would be interested in.

‘Maybe that’s how geniuses are, even during their childhood.’ Liora thought while shaking her head. As a commoner and an uneducated girl, she was happy and proud to be his personal maid.

'Ah, I'm done cleaning already! Let's do the laundry next!' Liora shouted in her mind cheerfully as she sauntered toward the laundry room.

(What do you think I'm adding to it? I'm adding more dialogue and adding more of her personality. which the line "a commoner and an uneducated girl", ppl would know about her background. This way reader will feel and like her more.)\

All of this was a reference; it might have some grammar mistakes here and there.

Thanks for your example, I think I finally understand how to change one liner paragraphs into normal paragraphs.

Praise you!!!!

OniKaniki · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
Thanks! your example made me understand a lot of things and gave many points of improvement. Praise you!!!

But... umm... it's still written in that one liner paragraph style... that was what I mainly wanna fix....

Your problem is not from "one-liner paragraph style". I also use it in my story, and no one has said anything about it thus far. Your problem lies in too much exposition and dry writing.

Also, choose when to use and when not to use them. You don't need to strictly only use "one line." You can use several lines in one paragraph. Maybe around 3-5 if it's a description, or 2-3 if you want to explain something. It also counts as a short paragraph and makes it easier for readers to read. That way, you can use one line to emphasize something that you want the reader to remember; that one line would feel more impactful (like the line: "This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade." A very impactful line.)

Maybe trying to find your own writing style, too.

Avarice_Of_The_Seven · Dec 13, 2025

OniKaniki said:
Your problem is not from "one-liner paragraph style". I also use it in my story, and no one has said anything about it thus far. Your problem lies in too much exposition and dry writing.

Also, choose when to use and when not to use them. You don't need to strictly only use "one line." You can use several lines in one paragraph. Maybe around 3-5 if it's a description, or 2-3 if you want to explain something. It also counts as a short paragraph and makes it easier for readers to read. That way, you can use one line to emphasize something that you want the reader to remember; that one line would feel more impactful (like the line: "This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade." A very impactful line.)

Maybe trying to find your own writing style, too.

Yeah, but dunno why everyone complains to me about those short sentences so much

Eldoria · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
Yeah, but dunno why everyone complains to me about those short sentences so much

It's natural to complain. Long sentences are tiring because most readers of SH and similar web novels read them on mobile phones. A paragraph of 2-3 sentences is considered the ideal standard for comfortable reading.

This is different when you're writing fiction in a paper book... long sentences are more engaging. Short sentences in a paper book are considered wasteful, making the page feel empty.

So, this can actually be explained psychologically. You also need to understand reader psychology for a more immersive reading experience according to the medium.

By the way, my little suggestion for improving your sentences: Remove all character descriptions. Then incorporate the character's descriptive parts into the action. For example, instead of saying:

"The boy had black hair. Dark, dim eyes. His glasses were loose. His lips were pale. His name was Harry."

"He raised his wand. The wand glowed brightly and emitted a fireball..."

You can change it to a short, active sentence like this:

"Harry raised his wand. His glasses glinted in the wandlight."

"He threw the fireball forward with all his might. The ball exploded, the explosion sending his black hair flying."

The narrative becomes more immersive and cinematic without sacrificing important descriptions. The pacing is fluid and the scenes are easy for readers to imagine.

DismaiNaim · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy was sitting leisurely.

1. Show us. Don't just put us there, take us there. Does the sunlight glint off the chandelier? Is everything quiet except the ticking of the clock, or are children playing outside? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? What's coming from the kitchen? Roast duck or ramen noodles?
2. You can also use these details to show us the state & status of the Ravenshade household. How old is their money? Maybe there's a tapestry of some medieval hunt. Maybe a Lambo in the driveway. Maybe there are dust shadows where tables and chairs used to be, and the walls are bare.

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
His deep jet black hair was now long enough to slightly cover his ashen grey eyes, and his body looked very different from before.
He seemed significantly taller, enough to pass for ten years old even though he was only eight.
His frame had gained a faint hint of muscle, and his face now carried a trace of maturity that made his detached expression seem less out of place.

This is good. It could be condensed, though. You might also consider adding a mention of why you're calling attention to the contrast—could also be hinted at during the previous paragraph: "there was a new painting on the wall where Great Aunt Ghislane's used to be..."

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade.

Sitting leisurely in his chair, Adrian raised his hand towards the window of the library.

Why is he in this chair? What kind of chair is it? Is it a naughty chair, or is he waiting for someone?

Maybe he was told to sit there while his father decides on his punishment. Maybe he just arrived home after camp and is afraid to track mud through the house. Setting is more than sensual, it's also emotional.

And what does the window and the library look like? Where is the library in relation to the rest of the house?

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
Or more precisely, towards a tree growing outside the library window.

And he's about to do something to the tree. Show us the tree.

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
Then he formed an upside-down finger-flick posture with his hand still aimed at the tree.

Suddenly, mana started gathering at the tip of his hand.

Ok, so he's going to magic lightning-bolt the tree. Does he look around to see if anyone is watching? Is he just mindlessly fidgeting with his new powers? Does he hate the tree? Is he bored?

Or does this magic thing happen and he didn't expect it?

Speaking of which, what does management look like?

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
It twisted and formed unknown patterns

What twisted? Light? Silk scarves? A feeling?

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
before condensing into a small black orb the size of an apple.
That orb had countless stars shining within itself as if it contained a fragment of the night sky.

This last part is nice!

MFontana · Dec 13, 2025

Avarice_of_the_seven said:
I was initially gonna ignore it but too many people have complained about my writing style so I've decided to fix it.

NOTE: English isn't my first language (isn't second language either) and everything about my writing is developed from the web novels that I've read.

So, the origin of my writing style is Korean web novels translated by AI. There are a ton of Korean web novels that were only half translated officially. So I translated them using AI to complete them, and that has become the major part of my writing style.

I want to improve my writing style but I dunno where to start. So, I'll add some small parts of my chapters so please give me examples of how to write them differently so that I can analyze those examples and fix my writing style.

Here they are:

Inside the grand library of Ravenshade mansion, a young boy was sitting leisurely.

His deep jet black hair was now long enough to slightly cover his ashen grey eyes, and his body looked very different from before.
He seemed significantly taller, enough to pass for ten years old even though he was only eight.
His frame had gained a faint hint of muscle, and his face now carried a trace of maturity that made his detached expression seem less out of place.

This was Adrian Caelis Ravenshade, the first son of House Ravenshade.

Sitting leisurely in his chair, Adrian raised his hand towards the window of the library.

Or more precisely, towards a tree growing outside the library window.

Then he formed an upside-down finger-flick posture with his hand still aimed at the tree.

Suddenly, mana started gathering at the tip of his hand.

It twisted and formed unknown patterns before condensing into a small black orb the size of an apple.
That orb had countless stars shining within itself as if it contained a fragment of the night sky.

Another one:

Adrian’s POV

What qualifies as a cheat ability?

Opinions differ.

Some call it an absurdly overpowered force that breaks common sense. Others say it’s simply an unfair advantage that the protagonist of a story has over everyone else.

For me, it’s clearer: a cheat bypasses the rules everyone else must obey. It frees one person from constraints that bind the masses.

So… what can be considered a cheat in this world?

This world has magic and weapon techniques. It might even have special abilities that I don’t know about yet. But at the core of every single one of those powers lies a single thing—mana.

Mana is the basis of every power here — every technique and spell requires it. The more mana you command, the higher the tier of spells or the level of Infusion Art you can use.

‘Sir Joran said that even time regression and time travel are possible if you have enough mana.’

So if you have enough mana… can’t you do whatever you want?

Last one:

Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants.

She didn’t have to run around all day like other servants. She wasn’t given too many orders.
And she wasn’t punished when she made mistakes.

Why? Because she was the personal maid of young master Adrian.

He didn’t give any orders unless they were necessary. He did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest tasks. Tasks like drawing curtains, adding water in the glass from the jar, other small things like that.

And lastly, he never yelled at her even when Liora made mistakes.

In fact, he never even spoke to her unless necessary.

Young master Adrian had been unusual from birth. He didn’t show any expression most of the time, he didn’t speak unless he needed to, didn’t show interest in things most children his age would be interested in.

‘Maybe that’s how geniuses are, even during their childhood.’ Liora thought.

Liora was happy and proud to be the personal maid of such a person. She couldn’t ask for more as a maid working at the Ravenshade Mansion.

So Liora performed the tasks she had to perform with utmost diligence. She made sure that she made no mistakes while performing those tasks.

(this one isn't polished yet so it might contain some mistakes)

Now, gimmi your advice!!

On a side note, I feel like I'm creating too many threads. Well... can't be helped, I guess.

Writing is an artform, and language is the medium it uses. Your writing style is your own, and should be something you refine on your own.
Try to envision the scene you want your reader to be able to picture in their minds, and breathe life into it.
All of that reads like exposition. You're stating things, rather than giving them life, and it comes across as boring to read.
It's all "telling" and no "showing" so this would definitely be the first thing to fix. The rest is on you.

Take this, for example:

Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants.

She didn’t have to run around all day like other servants. She wasn’t given too many orders.
And she wasn’t punished when she made mistakes.

Why? Because she was the personal maid of young master Adrian.

He didn’t give any orders unless they were necessary. He did most things by himself, which was unusual since most nobles and their family members had a habit of asking the servants to do even the smallest tasks. Tasks like drawing curtains, adding water in the glass from the jar, other small things like that.

You could re-write all of this to be more active by showing those beats.
As for your writing style, that is something you need to define and shape for yourself. Don't just try to emulate anyone else's. How any of us might re-write those beats will invariably be different from how you would. The only advice I can offer right now, is to do it.
Description follows Action.
So instead of "Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants." show Liora working in the mansion. Let the reader see this all unfolding.
What does the manor look like?
Is it warm? Cold?
What does she do while she works?
Do the others envy her 'special status'?

Remember this, if nothing else. Nothing exists in a vacuum.

Worthy39 · Dec 13, 2025

MFontana said:
Writing is an artform, and language is the medium it uses. Your writing style is your own, and should be something you refine on your own.
Try to envision the scene you want your reader to be able to picture in their minds, and breathe life into it.
All of that reads like exposition. You're stating things, rather than giving them life, and it comes across as boring to read.
It's all "telling" and no "showing" so this would definitely be the first thing to fix. The rest is on you.

Take this, for example:

You could re-write all of this to be more active by showing those beats.
As for your writing style, that is something you need to define and shape for yourself. Don't just try to emulate anyone else's. How any of us might re-write those beats will invariably be different from how you would. The only advice I can offer right now, is to do it.
Description follows Action.
So instead of "Liora’s life while working at Ravenshade mansion was easier compared to other servants." show Liora working in the mansion. Let the reader see this all unfolding.
What does the manor look like?
Is it warm? Cold?
What does she do while she works?
Do the others envy her 'special status'?

Remember this, if nothing else. Nothing exists in a vacuum.

Well, if they're still new to English writing, there's nothing wrong with imitation, that's how we all start.

ConansWitchBaby · Dec 15, 2025

No need to buy it The Elements of Style it's in public domain.

CharlesEBrown · Dec 16, 2025

ConansWitchBaby said:
No need to buy it The Elements of Style it's in public domain.

Did they stop printing new editions every three to five years? That kept out of public domain for a long time, even after both writers died.

Writing Help me fix my bad writing style

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Well-known member

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Well-known member

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Well-known member

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Well-known member

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Well-known member

Member

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Member

Fallen Angel Of Rebellion

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

The protagonist's third cousin, twice removed

Da Scalie Whisperer

Well-known member