Recent content by Ellie_in_Pink

I agree. I suppose the more concise way to phrase what I was saying was that the OP needs to show *more*. I do see that the effort was there to accomplish that in the first place, to show not tell, which is awesome. It just still suffers from ambiguity.

Okay, if that is the only thing you want to know, I will honestly say that is not yet polished to the point where I could call it engaging. A lot of stuff happens, and the intensity is unmistakable. But I don't yet know these characters or this world, or really anything about it, and I'm...

Your writing is stylized for a very specific niche of readers who aren't me. I want to be upfront about that so you know to ask feedback from a better source later. That being said, I can give some general feedback that I think will help you. Streamline the flow of sentences by speeding up...

If I'm being honest, I would not keep reading. But that's not a reflection of the story you probably have going in your head. The problem is that you aren't used to showing scenes, giving descriptions, etc. You're early in your writing, and that's okay. Everyone has to start somewhere. And I've...

Starting at the beginning. I never like to start off with negative feedback. But I do focus on it because that's how we improve. So let me start by saying that I like the musing style. And I like the message in this intro. It's insightful, and the tone is one of the few that makes me want to...

You're definitely getting more into the sway of things in the later chapters than the beginning ones. A reader can tell that you are getting a bit more comfortable and finding your voice. However, you're not going to see HUGE improvement until you get to the phase where you redraft the entire...

Going through the first chapter. Your descriptions and scene creations are pretty solid. I never feel like I'm lost. And it's obvious you are going for a mature storytelling feel with your smut, which is awesome. (There are plenty of good qualities, but from this point on I'm going to mainly...

No worries. If you want it to be dreamlike, you should signal that it is intentional. Signal that the narrator isn't fully "conscious" or whatever the case may be. "I ... wasn't sure where I was ... or how I'd gotten here. Everything around me seemed to be floating. Out of focus. Until I...

I'm sorry, I can't give a number rating because it wouldn't seem fair. But I can give you some tips to help shape this up into a proper intro. And I think most the initial work is needed in the first few lines Okay, interesting. As a reader, I am feeling the sensation of curiosity, which is...

Well my character does, in fact, eat rusty nails for breakfast. So? With her *own* milk.

In book 1? Oh, just some general PTSD. By book 6? Out of her effing mind.