Would love your feedback, reviews, rating and criticism

[ekam]

Happy New Year, everyone! 2026 is here, and I’m excited to share a story that’s been brewing in the quiet margins of a very old world.

Thirteen: Rebellion of Spirit — An Ancient Indian Fantasy Narrated by a Snarky Wolf!

Title: Thirteen: Rebellion of Spirit [Book 1: Reforged]

Genre: Action / Adventure / Philosophical / Survival / Fantasy / Mythos

Current Word Count: 4,017 Words

Release Schedule: Every Saturday

"In the forest, the straightest trees are always chopped first. To survive, you must learn to bend."

Ashva was never meant to be a hero. He’s just a hyperactive kid with a heart too big for his own good. Along with Maithlee—a girl forced to grow up way too fast—and Neira, a snarky white wolf who has seen way too much, they’ve built a makeshift family in the deep woods.

They lived by one rule: Never draw the eye of the Empire.

But the world has a way of finding you. When their sanctuary is shattered by the Emperor's steel, they are forced into a journey through a wilderness that remembers more than it reveals. This isn't a story about a hero chosen by fate—it’s about three outcasts trying to survive a reality that demands they unlearn everything they were taught to be "good."

Why read this

• ?Unique Narrator: Follow the journey through the eyes (and snark) of Neira, a wolf who has seen the world for exactly what it is.
• Ancient Indian Lore: A deep dive into a world of mantras, medicinal herbs, and the awakening of the mysterious Chakraline.
• ? Philosophical Action: High-stakes survival where the most difficult battles are the quiet decisions that carry irreversible weight.
• ? Makeshift Family: A bond between three outcasts that is tested by grief, power, and the cost of idealism.
• ?️ Survival Over Hype: This is a slow-burn progression where every decision carries weight and "getting stronger" often means losing a piece of yourself.

The past is not finished with them. The hunt has begun.

Read it here:

Thirteen: Rebellion of Spirit [Book 1: Reforged] - Chapter 1 – The Half-Truth of a Dying Vision | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the first few chapters! I'll be hanging out in the comments to talk about the world (and the wolf).

 

[L1aei]

It's a fair prologue to hook an audience, but... where's the bait? I feel like there is something you are missing, a piece of dangling meat for me to sink my teeth onto and... it's not here. Like, why Ashva must survive? I've not a hint of the conflict, the villain, the quest, or the larger stakes beyond revenge. I know something bad happened, but give me a reason to care. A maternal figure who's three years older is interesting, but that feels more like a veteran co-worker guiding a newly hire; there's going to be a savior complex by default when an inexperienced character is navigated through a world... and the only hint I got of this world is a waterfall.

Again, this works as a prologue, but it is fair at best. I wish I could give you more but when there's only a hook on this, well... yeah, it's a hook.

Oh! Editing this in real quick: I made a mistake and thought you only published a single chapter. I didn't read the following two. Sorry about that!

 

[ekam]

It's a fair prologue to hook an audience, but... where's the bait? I feel like there is something you are missing, a piece of dangling meat for me to sink my teeth onto and... it's not here. Like, why Ashva must survive? I've not a hint of the conflict, the villain, the quest, or the larger stakes beyond revenge. I know something bad happened, but give me a reason to care. A maternal figure who's three years older is interesting, but that feels more like a veteran co-worker guiding a newly hire; there's going to be a savior complex by default when an inexperienced character is navigated through a world... and the only hint I got of this world is a waterfall.

Again, this works as a prologue, but it is fair at best. I wish I could give you more but when there's only a hook on this, well... yeah, it's a hook.

Oh! Editing this in real quick: I made a mistake and thought you only published a single chapter. I didn't read the following two. Sorry about that!

Hi,

thank you so much for taking the time to read Thirteen and provide such a thoughtful critique. As a first-timer sharing my work here, I really appreciate the detailed feedback... it's exactly what I need to make the story better. I've taken all your points into account, especially regarding the stakes and the "bait"...

[Suddenly, the screen flickers. A series of nonsensical characters appear: ajshd8923hj]

[Neira: "MOVE OVER, Ekam! Let a professional handle the nose-work here. You’re being too polite."]

"A fellow hunter who knows the value of good bait? Now we’re talking. I like you already... you’ve got the instincts of a hungry scavenger.

Neira here. I’m the one doing the heavy lifting (and the narrating) so let me clear the air while Ashva is busy staring at a waterfall or whatever it is humans do when they are brooding, and Ekam is on the floor... haha...I am not sure if he is unconscious or just overwhelmed by my charisma.

On the Bait: You want a piece of dangling meat to sink your teeth into? Careful what you wish for. In our world, the meat is usually still attached to something that bites back. The "why" for Ashva’s survival isn't just revenge—it’s about a boy realizing that the straightest trees are chopped first. The real stakes? Let's just say the Empire doesn't just want our heads... they want what’s inside them.

On Maithlee being a Veteran Co-worker: I will be sure to tell her that. She’ll probably give you a performance review involving a stick and some very bitter herbs "Yucks..they taste terrible, in my opinion...Dont Taste them EVER". It’s less senior management and more 'survival of the pack.' She isn’t just navigating him; she’s the only reason his head is still attached to his neck.

On the World-Building: I’m glad you stuck around for Chapters 2 and 3! The waterfall is just the front door. The real mess starts once we leave the spray behind and the Empire’s steel starts looking for straight trees to chop.

If you only read the splash, you missed the swim. Stick around; the 'bait' is about to get a lot more bloody, and the world is about to get a lot bigger than a single temple gate.

Wagging a tail (but only a little),

— Neira"

[Ekam: panic..panic...panic "I am extremely sorry for Neira, she gets out of hand pretty quickly. Truly, thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed critique. I appreciate anyone who can sniff out a plot hole from a mile away. Stay tuned... the stakes are about to get much higher (and much bloodier). But before that, let's enjoy some world-building and a few of Neira's memories."]

— Ekam

 

[L1aei]

@ekam That was not just fair, that was good. I enjoyed the response orchestrated as a surprise entertainment very much; we don't receive a performance like that often. But let me advise you to not push yourself into doing that too often; burnout can happen if you encounter a less savory audience to digest. Keep that in mind.

 

[FRWriter]

It's definitely a clanker, but is it a good clanker? I'll give it a read after a few more chapters are released, not worth starting for 4k words in just 3 chapters.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

I'll read one chapter of anything. (ask L1ael, i'll even take one for the team, brother, LMAO)

cover --- pretty cool. sexy warrior lolly. I got a thing for tomboys that can handle a blade, bet I'm not alone in this
kid looks little but tough and resilient. I get tired of the whole comic book OP MC alpha dick.
the white wolf is cool. I always like a fantasy animal tie in.
nice blurb/synopsis. very nice. (is your name Paul Allen? nice)

then, you provided the "why I want to read this"
huh. Like a little pamphlet handed out at a presentation. Bullet points, why its cool.
those bullet points, combined with what I think is a good blurb? combine, and the pamphlet is icing on the cake.
I see characters, I like characters and ones that aren't comic book heroes.
I see plot potential, I like plots.
dash of sex appeal, the warrior girl showing just enough leg and tummy that I'm drawn in, but not so much I feel like a perv.

hey. this might be how its done.

I *gotta* have a slice of this cheesecake. I'll read any first chapter, and this one looks like it might be rewarding.
oh yeah. Cat's here? check. I'll get a coffee and a smoke? Check. Then I'm going to see about this situation.
PS - cool avatar

chapter one.
short and sweet. you went "fantasy fiction formula" and put a character in peril, immediately. I was thinking this was that tough resilient kid, and would be reborn, given the power to... no. oh, the wolf. I forgot. Cool. Nice trick narrative.
writing is fine. No obvious spelling or grammar errors, no complaints.
tone, has this slightly epic voice over quality to it. Tone is... we'll get that slightly mystical epic tale.
typical web novel style paragraphs. One short sentence per paragraph.
again, its a necessary evil, I know. I'd *love* this to be a paperback with real big boy paragraphs.
not your fault, what can you do. What can we all do, but deal with it. We must write like this, or get no reader.

chapter two.
yeah, I got to now. you got my attention. Pamphlet looked good. chapter one, was cool.. I'm there, dude.
writing carries emotional impact. I was all happy with the wolf saving the kid, then... shit.
now i understand the intro. salt into the open wound, author is not fighting fair, lol.
i got that "white fang" emotional response to this. good job.
but out of all the blood shit and piss... there. the cub is saved.
this is a page turner.

chapter three.
found myself clicking the "next" arrow.
"The *&^% is wrong with this thing. goddamn firefox. I got another window open? what th---"
oh. no more chapters.

analysis.
cover, blurb, pamphlet bullet points... its clickable.
good first chapter. second and third, i commented lines I liked here and there.
wasn't kidding, I was pissed the "next" button didn't work.
This has so far all the elements of something I'd have wanted to read and keep reading as a kid getting paperbacks anywhere I could. store, garbage, yard sales and flea markets.
thanks for not going lit RPG on this.
good job.

five stars, dude.
this , is how its done.
Lets just say I'm not the world's number one fan of the WN format. (the single sentence paragraphs kills me)
and you won me over, so people that expect WN micro-novels? should eat this up.

gave you five stars, and marked it to be read later.

It's definitely a clanker, but is it a good clanker? I'll give it a read after a few more chapters are released, not worth starting for 4k words in just 3 chapters.

pretend you're the ass monkey at the ink and paper publishing house.
you know, the only one there with a brain, rating incoming manuscripts.
would you give this the green light, they should get the author in and see about this?
I would.

 

[ekam]

@ekam That was not just fair, that was good. I enjoyed the response orchestrated as a surprise entertainment very much; we don't receive a performance like that often. But let me advise you to not push yourself into doing that too often; burnout can happen if you encounter a less savory audience to digest. Keep that in mind.

thank you for the kind words and the very grounded advice. It means a lot to know the performance landed well. You are absolutely right about the burnout. I'll be saving the theatrics for special milestones to keep things fresh.

As for Neira, she has been officially punished for her snarkiness and sent back to the forest to reflect on her behavior (and maybe chase a few squirrels).

Truly appreciate you sticking with the story and for the wisdom. See you in the next chapter!

— Ekam

It's definitely a clanker, but is it a good clanker? I'll give it a read after a few more chapters are released, not worth starting for 4k words in just 3 chapters.

I completely get that. 4k words is a quick read, and I know many people prefer to wait until there is a meal to sit down with. I’m working hard on the next chapters to get that word count up for you!

Regarding the "clanker" feel: I want to be totally honest because I value this community. English isn't my first language for writing prose, so my process is: I plan the lore, write every scene myself, and then use AI to help me refine the flow. Afterwards I do a manual pass to make sure the heart of the story stays mine.

I am still learning and I definitely miss things sometimes but I own those mistakes. I can promise you the ideas, the ancient world, and the characters aren't generic, they're a labor of love.

I hope you will give it a chance once I have got a bit more bulk on the story

— Ekam

I'll read one chapter of anything. (ask L1ael, i'll even take one for the team, brother, LMAO)

cover --- pretty cool. sexy warrior lolly. I got a thing for tomboys that can handle a blade, bet I'm not alone in this
kid looks little but tough and resilient. I get tired of the whole comic book OP MC alpha dick.
the white wolf is cool. I always like a fantasy animal tie in.
nice blurb/synopsis. very nice. (is your name Paul Allen? nice)

then, you provided the "why I want to read this"
huh. Like a little pamphlet handed out at a presentation. Bullet points, why its cool.
those bullet points, combined with what I think is a good blurb? combine, and the pamphlet is icing on the cake.
I see characters, I like characters and ones that aren't comic book heroes.
I see plot potential, I like plots.
dash of sex appeal, the warrior girl showing just enough leg and tummy that I'm drawn in, but not so much I feel like a perv.

hey. this might be how its done.

I *gotta* have a slice of this cheesecake. I'll read any first chapter, and this one looks like it might be rewarding.
oh yeah. Cat's here? check. I'll get a coffee and a smoke? Check. Then I'm going to see about this situation.
PS - cool avatar

chapter one.
short and sweet. you went "fantasy fiction formula" and put a character in peril, immediately. I was thinking this was that tough resilient kid, and would be reborn, given the power to... no. oh, the wolf. I forgot. Cool. Nice trick narrative.
writing is fine. No obvious spelling or grammar errors, no complaints.
tone, has this slightly epic voice over quality to it. Tone is... we'll get that slightly mystical epic tale.
typical web novel style paragraphs. One short sentence per paragraph.
again, its a necessary evil, I know. I'd *love* this to be a paperback with real big boy paragraphs.
not your fault, what can you do. What can we all do, but deal with it. We must write like this, or get no reader.

chapter two.
yeah, I got to now. you got my attention. Pamphlet looked good. chapter one, was cool.. I'm there, dude.
writing carries emotional impact. I was all happy with the wolf saving the kid, then... shit.
now i understand the intro. salt into the open wound, author is not fighting fair, lol.
i got that "white fang" emotional response to this. good job.
but out of all the blood shit and piss... there. the cub is saved.
this is a page turner.

chapter three.
found myself clicking the "next" arrow.
"The *&^% is wrong with this thing. goddamn firefox. I got another window open? what th---"
oh. no more chapters.

analysis.
cover, blurb, pamphlet bullet points... its clickable.
good first chapter. second and third, i commented lines I liked here and there.
wasn't kidding, I was pissed the "next" button didn't work.
This has so far all the elements of something I'd have wanted to read and keep reading as a kid getting paperbacks anywhere I could. store, garbage, yard sales and flea markets.
thanks for not going lit RPG on this.
good job.

five stars, dude.
this , is how its done.
Lets just say I'm not the world's number one fan of the WN format. (the single sentence paragraphs kills me)
and you won me over, so people that expect WN micro-novels? should eat this up.

gave you five stars, and marked it to be read later.

pretend you're the ass monkey at the ink and paper publishing house.
you know, the only one there with a brain, rating incoming manuscripts.
would you give this the green light, they should get the author in and see about this?
I would.

bruh, you just made my day, Seriously.

As a first time author, I was honestly nervous about the pamphlet approach and the formatting, but hearing that it actually worked on a veteran reader like you is a huge relief.

I am glad you caught the trick in Chapter 1. I wanted to subvert that OP reborn hero trope immediately...this world is much more about what you lose than what you are given. And hearing that the emotional gut-punch in Chapter 2 landed... that’s exactly what I was aiming for. I am sorry about the salt in the wound, but like you said, the forest doesn't always fight fair.

I hear you loud and clear on the wn single-sentence paragraphs It's a struggle to balance that mobile-friendly readability with the big boy prose. I would love to write for a paperback. will try to find a middle ground as we go deeper.

thank you for the five stars and for being willing to take one for the team. I promise the next button will be working again very soon. Chapter 4 and 5 are on their way, and I’m pushing to get them out while the coffee is still warm.

Cheers for the smoke and coffee read. It’s an honor.

— Ekam

 

[L1aei]

Regarding the 'clanker' feel—I want to be totally honest because I value this community. English isn't my first language for writing prose, so my process is: I plan the lore, write every scene myself, and then use AI to help me refine the flow. Afterward, I do a manual pass to make sure the 'heart' of the story stays mine.

I’m still learning and I definitely miss things sometimes, but I own those mistakes. I can promise you the ideas, the ancient Indian world, and the characters aren't 'generic'—they're a labor of love.

I hope you'll give it a chance once I've got a bit more bulk on the story!"

— Ekam

Hey there, I now the message I pasted above from you isn't directed towards me, but I felt like I should respond to it.

So I really respect you being upfront about that; we already went through more than a handful of bots across the week... month? Anyways, using AI as a refinement tool after you've already built the lore and written the scenes yourself doesn't bother me at all because that's just another editing instrument at that point; AI not as a replacement writer but a tool.

The only thing that ever trips readers up (and this isn't just you, it happens to a lot of writers around here) is when the AI's stop acting like car buffers and more like sanding machines that grind off more than the author's natural voice to sound like a clanker. Be careful about that, especially when you mentioned your prose because that's when they can feel a bit processed.

But bringing up your setting, your characters, your cultural grounding... good. That's good because that's not an AI but clearly yours, and that's the part that matters most when it's conveying to us readers its message. AI trains a lot but it is a mechanical process that sharpens with each clunky rep. Keeping your words from being replaced, though? That's an organic experience that grows the longer you let that voice naturally flow.

 

[ekam]

Hey there, I now the message I pasted above from you isn't directed towards me, but I felt like I should respond to it.

So I really respect you being upfront about that; we already went through more than a handful of bots across the week... month? Anyways, using AI as a refinement tool after you've already built the lore and written the scenes yourself doesn't bother me at all because that's just another editing instrument at that point; AI not as a replacement writer but a tool.

The only thing that ever trips readers up (and this isn't just you, it happens to a lot of writers around here) is when the AI's stop acting like car buffers and more like sanding machines that grind off more than the author's natural voice to sound like a clanker. Be careful about that, especially when you mentioned your prose because that's when they can feel a bit processed.

But bringing up your setting, your characters, your cultural grounding... good. That's good because that's not an AI but clearly yours, and that's the part that matters most when it's conveying to us readers its message. AI trains a lot but it is a mechanical process that sharpens with each clunky rep. Keeping your words from being replaced, though? That's an organic experience that grows the longer you let that voice naturally flow.

hello, sorry for using Neira earlier, I thought it would be a fun way to get into character and to be honest, a nice way to catch some attention. Thank you for being such a sport about it!

I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on this. The 'car buffer vs. sanding machine' metaphor is perfect—and honestly, it’s exactly what I needed to hear right now.

you’ve hit on my biggest fear: that in trying to make the English 'perfect,' I might accidentally grind away the very things that make the story mine. It’s a delicate balance, especially when trying to convey the specific 'flavor' of an ancient Indian setting that doesn't always have a direct translation in Western prose.

Your point about the 'organic experience' really resonates. I’m going to be much more careful moving forward to ensure that my voice, even the rough or 'un-sharpened' parts, remains the lead, and the tool stays in the background where it belongs. I want this to be an organic growth, both for me as a writer and for Ashva and Neira as characters.

Thank you for being so candid. This kind of conversation is exactly why I’m glad I decided to share Thirteen here. It’s helping me grow as much as the story is.

 

[L1aei]

@ekam Yeah, I can tell you are someone prioritizing storytelling entertainment over profit or attention. That's exactly my motivation in wanting to connect with you; to ensure the creative lane you are in is cleared of any artificial pitfalls.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

for someone who worries about his english prose, your posts read well. You ever try an experiment doing it? You might be okay. I've known german people who speak better english than the natives speak it.

 

[ekam]

@ekam Yeah, I can tell you are someone prioritizing storytelling entertainment over profit or attention. That's exactly my motivation in wanting to connect with you; to ensure the creative lane you are in is cleared of any artificial pitfalls.

That means a lot. You’re right—I’m doing this because I love the story and the world, and I want to see if I can do justice to the ideas in my head.

To be completely honest, while profit isn't my sole purpose, it would be a dream to eventually make this sustainable. We all need a clear mind and a stable environment to write our best work, after all! But for now, my priority is exactly what you said: keeping the creative lane clear and making sure the story is the best it can be.

I’m going to take that 'car buffer' advice with me into the next chapters. Time to stop over-sanding and start letting the story breathe.

I’ll see you in the next update!

 

[TinaMigarlo]

I'm not a fan of AI, any more than I am fan of one sentence paragraphs. But this, was fine.
consider dropping the --- em dash when you edit. Its a big clue. people accuse non-AI writers of being AI if they use the --- em dash.

 

[L1aei]

I'm not a fan of AI, any more than I am fan of one sentence paragraphs. But this, was fine.
consider dropping the --- em dash when you edit. Its a big clue. people accuse non-AI writers of being AI if they use the --- em dash.

This claim sadly has a margin of truth. Nowadays, emdashes automatically have readers and authors go on alert, stopping their reading, tuning out the context, and them behaving like sentry wardens searching for other signs that may confirm their suspicions in finding things like the industrial AI production lines, such as when the narration describes things like "the smell of ozone" in there. Like... dude, what the hell does ozone smell like?

 

[ekam]

for someone who worries about his english prose, your posts read well. You ever try an experiment doing it? You might be okay. I've known german people who speak better english than the natives speak it.

i appreciate that. I’m comfortable speaking english and I like to think I can be creative with it, but you hit the nail on the head: writing is a different beast entirely. It’s a creative art meant to make people feel the words or leave them hanging in the dark.

I actually just remembered a quote about mastering language "The pen is mightier than the sword, but only when wielded by a master." i am still far from being a master, but I’m enjoying the practice of sharpening my 'blade' with every chapter. Maybe I will try that experiment and leave the tools aside for a few scenes to see where my natural voice takes me.

Thanks for the encouragement...it definitely gives me more confidence to trust my own instincts!

 

[L1aei]

@ekam Just don't forget to focus on entertainment; I get grumpy when bored, like, who doesn't, right? So long as you keep someone like me warm and cozy with what I have been reading, your entertainment, I won't respond... coldly.

 

[ekam]

I'm not a fan of AI, any more than I am fan of one sentence paragraphs. But this, was fine.
consider dropping the --- em dash when you edit. Its a big clue. people accuse non-AI writers of being AI if they use the --- em dash.

thanks for the heads up on the em-dashes, Its wild how a punctuation mark can become a red flag, but I totally see what you mean. I’ll be going through my current chapters to hunt those down and see if I can use more natural breaks instead. I’m glad you found the story fine despite the one sentence paragraphs. I am definitely still trying to find that balance between mobile-friendly and big boy prose.

This claim sadly has a margin of truth. Nowadays, emdashes automatically have readers and authors go on alert, stopping their reading, tuning out the context, and them behaving like sentry wardens searching for other signs that may confirm their suspicions in finding things like the industrial AI production lines, such as when the narration describes things like "the smell of ozone" in there. Like... dude, what the hell does ozone smell like?

You caught me laughing at the 'smell of ozone' comment. You’re so right, it’s a cliche but can be done tight by someone who masters the pen.
I really appreciate the warning about readers going into "sentry warden" mode. It’s a bit of a minefield but I rather be told now so I can keep the 'industrial' feel out of my world. I am going to work on making sure my descriptions stay grounded in reality, not clanker templates. Thanks for the save!

Just don't forget to focus on entertainment; I get grumpy when bored, like, who doesn't, right? So long as you keep someone like me warm and cozy with what I have been reading, your entertainment, I won't respond... coldly.

challenge accepted... I hear you loud and clear... at the end of the day, all the prose polishing in the world doesn't matter if the story doesn't move. I promise to keep the fire going so you don't have to worry about getting cold.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

my obligatory 'science boy' post again. apologies.

you can smell 'ozone'. Oxygen is O2. Its a natural covalent bond of the outer electrons of every two oxygen atoms that form a quick natural bond. L:ightning, for example. has enough energy that a small percentage of ozone turns into... O3. its a more complicated sharing of electrons and it binds three together. Itrs not as stable as o2 regular oxygen. It collects in a layer around the earth, and absorbs dangerous levels of radiation form the sun .

you definitely can smell it. Its a slight weird smell. If you are even near where lightning strikes, you wioll smell it a lot stronger and won't forget it. after a violent string thunderstorm with lots of big bolts like zeus is drunk and pissed off at us... if you get a bunch of big lightning bolts in an area AND the store just QUITS... you can smell it in the air.

so if it was raining and lightning in the forest (lovces to strike trees, lightning does) you could smell ozone and the canopy would hold it in better to enhance the smell.

 

[L1aei]

my obligatory 'science boy' post again. apologies.

you can smell 'ozone'. Oxygen is O2. Its a natural covalent bond of the outer electrons of every two oxygen atoms that form a quick natural bond. L:ightning, for example. has enough energy that a small percentage of ozone turns into... O3. its a more complicated sharing of electrons and it binds three together. Itrs not as stable as o2 regular oxygen. It collects in a layer around the earth, and absorbs dangerous levels of radiation form the sun .

you definitely can smell it. Its a slight weird smell. If you are even near where lightning strikes, you wioll smell it a lot stronger and won't forget it. after a violent string thunderstorm with lots of big bolts like zeus is drunk and pissed off at us... if you get a bunch of big lightning bolts in an area AND the store just QUITS... you can smell it in the air.

so if it was raining and lightning in the forest (lovces to strike trees, lightning does) you could smell ozone and the canopy would hold it in better to enhance the smell.

Okay, right there. You just described it far better for a reader to comprehend what they are supposed to be envisioning in a scene than just... ozone. What you did, that's what I want to see. Build up the hints, let the characters be initially confused, processing the pieces until they treat them like ingredients, mixing them up until it congeals into the thought of: OZONE!

 

[TheIcMan]

.....is this entire thread AI?