The Chicken Pen (Feedback Thread)

[SurfAngel_1031]

I am new to Scribble Hub, and I shall be taking up the Chicken Pen's offer, so here is my story, and I request only the most constructive of feedback and comments.

Arisaka: Celestial Violet (Action Packed Urban Fantasy!)

The Republic of Arisaka stands tall as the most powerful nation in the entire world. However, even this almighty superpower state of extraordinary metahumans and mages have struggled with an ancient conflict, one that has raged on for millennia—the war between humans, demons, and all sorts of...

www.scribblehub.com

I went ahead and took a look at the story as well.
It took me a little time to formulate what I wanted to say, so here is my 2 cents worth of feedback.

I read Chapter 1, 3 and 11 to mirror the chicks. (Consistency to help!)

Synopsis:

This is a huge thing. If I hadn't read this, I wouldn't have known that this was an alternate earth with the Republic of Ariska.
I personally think this should be in the story, let the readers experience the life and how things are.
It almost felt like you info dumped into the Synopsis when you could have used the information to build your story within.
I also wouldn't have known about the demons and such without the synopsis.

Chapter 1:

Finally I arrived at the coffee house—I stepped inside and glanced around the familiar place; since it was a cafe, there was of course always a subtle scent of coffee lingering around the place.

Things like this were through out the chapter. You mention its a coffee house, a cafe and smells like coffee. When you look at this, by using the term coffee house, there are assumptions that go directly in place. One of which - it will smell like coffee. Perhaps instead of being generic - let the main character pick a distinct flavor that he likes. So, if it were me - I would go back and restructure most of the chapter to address concerns like this.

Chapter 3:

My face heated up again as I realized that yes, this angel girl had just seen me half-naked. Violet saw me shirtless this whole time. Yup, definitely another thing I’ve experienced for the first time with a woman. Even if I did have an athletic physique, it was still embarrassing to be seen that way by a cute girl.

Why exactly? It is very common place to have guys without their shirts on, I mean have you ever seen a construction crew in summer? Or been to the beach? A pool? Plus Hero is built, I have yet to see a guy that embarrassed about being in shape. This guy is a demon killer, a well seasoned fighter that takes jobs to make ends meet. Why is his self-confidence so weak?
Maybe take the time to explain before the shy/embarrassing moment and tell us beyond "Oh a girl!" a reason why he's so nervous. It would add depth to the character.

There are things like the Angels description that aren't the most favorable to read from a woman's perspective. (That being me)
Just keep in mind that half of your potential audience is women. Try not to alienate them.

Chapter 11:

This is the chapter I struggled with the most out of the three that I read.
I will not quote the chapter since it is explicit. I will just refer to things within the chapter that don't really match up.

First is the concept of them both being virgins: I know this is fantasy, however people do like a touch of realism here.
There is nothing to suggest that they are in fact "new" to any of this.
They don't have any of the nervousness, the uncertainty of inexperience, or even the partly comical accidents.
It might be a good idea to rework the scene to me more intimate, skipping descriptions of things like Hero's foreskin or the Angel's hymen "broken" and bleeding.

I suggest to go back and rework the scene from top to bottom and get a more "loss of innocence" feel to it.

Hope this helps, Be well.

 

[Incoming]

As a red egg, I, Incoming, shall offer the Chick the first Story I've written: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1008583-the-void/chapter/1009443/

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

As a red egg, I, Incoming, shall offer the Chick the first Story I've written: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1008583-the-void/chapter/1009443/

Good luck!

 

[TsumiHokiro]

As a red egg, I, Incoming, shall offer the Chick the first Story I've written: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1008583-the-void/chapter/1009443/

Greetings, Incoming. The chicks have accepted your request and have decided to return some opinion.

Firstly, chapters Prologue and 1 have been read before the following has been written. Whereas the conclusion will have much of the real thoughts pertaining to your literature, the quotes will have some small observations regarding your textual elements. Suffice to say, whereas you seem to be trying to try horror sprinkled with mystery, your writing misses quite a bit on building up tension for that horror punch.

Prologue:​

1. Narrative Time: "Well, they had been right – until The Void came. Science is altered, and now the question of what's real and what isn't." You have some real problem with verb tense shift throughout your prologue, and this is just one example.

Chapter 1:​

1. Reference Confusion: "Tim and Lily were on a date at Stanford Cliffs (…) They'd been together for 8 years." Had they been dating for 8 years or had they known each other first for 8 years before meeting each other before dating? After this quote, and thanks to later elements of the text, it obviously is the latter, but the way you build up your sentences does not make for a coherent structure. It's missing quite a bit of information that should have been provided right at the moment you said these two phrases, but you will only make it clear later on. This makes for a very confusing text, which your text is riddled with. To the next confusion element:
2. Reference confusion: "butterflies in his stomach formed quickly. His girlfriend noticed this and asked in concern, 'Are you ok? Is your stomach hurting?'" While this is a neat expression to mean people are having stomach problems or they are nervous, others don't usually notice this unless there are visual clues, which in this case is what is missing. Are your characters reading into your narrator? That seems to be the case.
3. Reference Confusion/Idea Incongruence: "She woke up a few minutes later, but something seemed off about her, something Tim couldn't put his finger on. (…) Tim's uneasiness grew. Somehow, he knew that this girl wasn't Lily: her voice was the same but foreign, and her smile was cute but sinister. His conflicting thoughts were making him a bit dizzy." Your narrator seems to know a lot, which is the OK, the problem, however, is how your characters also share the narrator feelings. The narrator should be a character who is not a part of the other characters yet the opposite, should be aware of what they know yet they should not know what the narrator knows. This is the style of narrator you have chosen to use, however, you're making such a big mess of this it gives the feeling that all your characters are a single character thanks to everyone sharing feelings through the narrator! In this passage, he knows something is wrong, how? Esper? Presentience? And only later do you explain how he knows, which is very weird! It should be explained at the same time, not broken! Don't break apart explanations from consequences when you're narrating events or you're just making a very confusing text, not a mystery nor a horror event.

Conclusion:​

Your first chapter, the Prologue, is a verb tense shift galore that should be fixed as soon as possible. There's no need for shifting so much. You seem to want to tell us something that has happened and "is happening" but you should always remember from WHEN you are talking about. You do not assume a narrative posture of present tense if it's a future time about events past and it discourses regarding the present unless it is about the present time of when you are talking in: it is 11 p.m. and I'm going to tell about events that happened today from 1 a.m. to 10 p.m., therefore everything that happened is in the past, and the only things I'll use the present for are events that happen from 11 p.m.! Get your bearings correct.

As for Chapter 1, there was very little build up for your punch line. Or should I say, there was so much double entendre, with sentences on the mistaken order that it were a full mess of meaning and references? While your objective seems to be clear, you miss the opportunity to do a clear build up by showing up your cards very soon but not doing a meaningful build up of the elements of why it should have been horrifying. Sure, the paler than a white is something, and "I'm your daddy!" was the final thing, but there was nothing really scary for the reader, only for the person who was in there, and even then, nothing but normal things that had been overly repeated in a boring manner. Your prologue had something more to it, which your chapter 1 lacked. Why leave the sky talk to just that? It could have been so much more explored, considering the father had been in jail for so long!

Anyway, I wish you good tides, Red Mysterious Egg Writer.

 

[Incoming]

Greetings, Incoming. The chicks have accepted your request and have decided to return some opinion.

Firstly, chapters Prologue and 1 have been read before the following has been written. Whereas the conclusion will have much of the real thoughts pertaining to your literature, the quotes will have some small observations regarding your textual elements. Suffice to say, whereas you seem to be trying to try horror sprinkled with mystery, your writing misses quite a bit on building up tension for that horror punch.

Prologue:​

1. Narrative Time: "Well, they had been right – until The Void came. Science is altered, and now the question of what's real and what isn't." You have some real problem with verb tense shift throughout your prologue, and this is just one example.

Chapter 1:​

1. Reference Confusion: "Tim and Lily were on a date at Stanford Cliffs (…) They'd been together for 8 years." Had they been dating for 8 years or had they known each other first for 8 years before meeting each other before dating? After this quote, and thanks to later elements of the text, it obviously is the latter, but the way you build up your sentences does not make for a coherent structure. It's missing quite a bit of information that should have been provided right at the moment you said these two phrases, but you will only make it clear later on. This makes for a very confusing text, which your text is riddled with. To the next confusion element:
2. Reference confusion: "butterflies in his stomach formed quickly. His girlfriend noticed this and asked in concern, 'Are you ok? Is your stomach hurting?'" While this is a neat expression to mean people are having stomach problems or they are nervous, others don't usually notice this unless there are visual clues, which in this case is what is missing. Are your characters reading into your narrator? That seems to be the case.
3. Reference Confusion/Idea Incongruence: "She woke up a few minutes later, but something seemed off about her, something Tim couldn't put his finger on. (…) Tim's uneasiness grew. Somehow, he knew that this girl wasn't Lily: her voice was the same but foreign, and her smile was cute but sinister. His conflicting thoughts were making him a bit dizzy." Your narrator seems to know a lot, which is the OK, the problem, however, is how your characters also share the narrator feelings. The narrator should be a character who is not a part of the other characters yet the opposite, should be aware of what they know yet they should not know what the narrator knows. This is the style of narrator you have chosen to use, however, you're making such a big mess of this it gives the feeling that all your characters are a single character thanks to everyone sharing feelings through the narrator! In this passage, he knows something is wrong, how? Esper? Presentience? And only later do you explain how he knows, which is very weird! It should be explained at the same time, not broken! Don't break apart explanations from consequences when you're narrating events or you're just making a very confusing text, not a mystery nor a horror event.

Conclusion:​

Your first chapter, the Prologue, is a verb tense shift galore that should be fixed as soon as possible. There's no need for shifting so much. You seem to want to tell us something that has happened and "is happening" but you should always remember from WHEN you are talking about. You do not assume a narrative posture of present tense if it's a future time about events past and it discourses regarding the present unless it is about the present time of when you are talking in: it is 11 p.m. and I'm going to tell about events that happened today from 1 a.m. to 10 p.m., therefore everything that happened is in the past, and the only things I'll use the present for are events that happen from 11 p.m.! Get your bearings correct.

As for Chapter 1, there was very little build up for your punch line. Or should I say, there was so much double entendre, with sentences on the mistaken order that it were a full mess of meaning and references? While your objective seems to be clear, you miss the opportunity to do a clear build up by showing up your cards very soon but not doing a meaningful build up of the elements of why it should have been horrifying. Sure, the paler than a white is something, and "I'm your daddy!" was the final thing, but there was nothing really scary for the reader, only for the person who was in there, and even then, nothing but normal things that had been overly repeated in a boring manner. Your prologue had something more to it, which your chapter 1 lacked. Why leave the sky talk to just that? It could have been so much more explored, considering the father had been in jail for so long!

Anyway, I wish you good tides, Red Mysterious Egg Writer.

Alright, thanks for the feedback!

 

[stryke105]

I offer up my story to the chicks

Final Reincarnation Aims For A Happy Life

after 999,999,999,999 reincarnations there is only one left. With only 5 years of memories from her previous incarnations (and some bonuses from her past life's stupid achievements) she prepares to save the world, all so she can have her perfect happy ending. Releases: I'll try for twice a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TsumiHokiro]

I offer up my story to the chicks

Final Reincarnation Aims For A Happy Life

after 999,999,999,999 reincarnations there is only one left. With only 5 years of memories from her previous incarnations (and some bonuses from her past life's stupid achievements) she prepares to save the world, all so she can have her perfect happy ending. Releases: I'll try for twice a...

www.scribblehub.com

Greetings, stryke105. Thank you for your offering, the chicks politely accept it.

Firstly, the first three chapters of your novel have been read before this has been written. There will be no cherry-picking of mistakes, there will be only a discussion of what you could do better. Overall, your immature writing is apparent, but we grow from practice, so take into consideration the following words not as someone saying you have failed but as suggestions for improvement. This is what this thread is about, contrary to other opinion threads. This chick thinks most authors consider this just as a "Let me dump my novel and get a view" and don't even read what the Chicken Pen has proposed to do.

Firstly, the novel never decides whether it's going to narrate events past or present. Decide on the Past tense or on the Present tense when you are narrating.
Second, there is very little to none explanations of why things are as they are. The events come and go as it strikes your fancy and much of the world is bare of life.
Thirdly, this might be your first time writing, but you should remember to finish your sentences. Punctuation should be the least expected from a novel, and floating paragraphs, while they can be made sense of, are much better read when not torn apart in the middle.

Finally, the Chicken Pen wishes you good ink in your pen, Enthusiastic Author.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

I offer up my story to the chicks

Final Reincarnation Aims For A Happy Life

after 999,999,999,999 reincarnations there is only one left. With only 5 years of memories from her previous incarnations (and some bonuses from her past life's stupid achievements) she prepares to save the world, all so she can have her perfect happy ending. Releases: I'll try for twice a...

www.scribblehub.com

I'll add the following.

I know it's a popular thing to do this:

"...."

However, it's literally nothing. Dots have no meaning, convey nothing. You did nothing but put dots on a page.

Now, comics get away with that because there is a visual for someone to see. A reaction, a look... Something that sets the stage.

Writing does not. It needs details, it needs background. You need to set the stage and describe it so we the reader can envision what you the author are trying to convey.

In your case the use of "...." Came with the parents discussion. Instead of assuming we know what they are thinking of feeling, use mannerisms. Show us the scene. Delve into their characters.

That's it. Thanks for listening.

Be well, good luck with the rest.

 

[stryke105]

I'll add the following.

I know it's a popular thing to do this:

"...."

However, it's literally nothing. Dots have no meaning, convey nothing. You did nothing but put dots on a page.

Now, comics get away with that because there is a visual for someone to see. A reaction, a look... Something that sets the stage.

Writing does not. It needs details, it needs background. You need to set the stage and describe it so we the reader can envision what you the author are trying to convey.

In your case the use of "...." Came with the parents discussion. Instead of assuming we know what they are thinking of feeling, use mannerisms. Show us the scene. Delve into their characters.

That's it. Thanks for listening.

Be well, good luck with the rest.

For future reference how would you show a period of silence? Would saying for example in that situation "Realizing the strangeness of Karma's claims considering the circumstances Victor suddenly fell silent, while Gloria, dumbfounded about how her husband hadn't realized the oddity until she mentioned it followed suit." or something following that idea be more appropriate?

Greetings, stryke105. Thank you for your offering, the chicks politely accept it.

Firstly, the first three chapters of your novel have been read before this has been written. There will be no cherry-picking of mistakes, there will be only a discussion of what you could do better. Overall, your immature writing is apparent, but we grow from practice, so take into consideration the following words not as someone saying you have failed but as suggestions for improvement. This is what this thread is about, contrary to other opinion threads. This chick thinks most authors consider this just as a "Let me dump my novel and get a view" and don't even read what the Chicken Pen has proposed to do.

Firstly, the novel never decides whether it's going to narrate events past or present. Decide on the Past tense or on the Present tense when you are narrating.
Second, there is very little to none explanations of why things are as they are. The events come and go as it strikes your fancy and much of the world is bare of life.
Thirdly, this might be your first time writing, but you should remember to finish your sentences. Punctuation should be the least expected from a novel, and floating paragraphs, while they can be made sense of, are much better read when not torn apart in the middle.

Finally, the Chicken Pen wishes you good ink in your pen, Enthusiastic Author.

Thank you for the advice, while rereading my novel after seeing your analysis of my mistakes I could really tell how the suggestions you said would really improve the reading experience. Your advice on explaining why things are the way they are in a more in depth manner really struck me, as I have been forgetting that while I already have explanations of why things are on a little page, I haven't written the explanations into the story yet so the readers still have no idea why they are.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

For future reference how would you show a period of silence? Would saying for example in that situation "Realizing the strangeness of Karma's claims considering the circumstances Victor suddenly fell silent, while Gloria, dumbfounded about how her husband hadn't realized the oddity until she mentioned it followed suit." or something following that idea be more appropriate?

Thank you for the advice, while rereading my novel after seeing your analysis of my mistakes I could really tell how the suggestions you said would really improve the reading experience. Your advice on explaining why things are the way they are in a more in depth manner really struck me, as I have been forgetting while I already have explanations of why things are on a little page, I haven't written the explanations into the story yet so the readers still have no idea why they are.

Yes, something like that would be much more to read and visualize.
You could even have Victor cross his arms, stay silent for a few seconds and maybe let out a disappointing grunt.
Think about your own parents, or any other face to face interaction. It's seldom just silence, as that's mostly uncomfortable. People move, they fidget, they laugh, they blink...look up mannerisms, pick some from a list.
You most certainly can come up with something mind catching.

Be well!

 

[JackJohnJackson]

O' delightfully wise chick of the forums, I humbly offer you this meal of mine and hope that your scrutinous and beady eyes can offer some insight into it.

Stray Stars

Soune Argent wants a quiet life. However, such a privilege is rare on Durendel. Pockets of civilisation are kept in check by growth-hungry corporations and a stern-handed government. Any and all actions are watched by an orbital ring ready to stifle conflicts before they can start, scouring...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[TsumiHokiro]

O' delightfully wise chick of the forums, I humbly offer you this meal of mine and hope that your scrutinous and beady eyes can offer some insight into it.

Stray Stars

Soune Argent wants a quiet life. However, such a privilege is rare on Durendel. Pockets of civilisation are kept in check by growth-hungry corporations and a stern-handed government. Any and all actions are watched by an orbital ring ready to stifle conflicts before they can start, scouring...

www.scribblehub.com

Greetings, JackJohnJackson. The birds have accepted your feed and come back with some opinion.

Firstly, chapters 1, 2 and 22 have been read for the purpose of this return. Whereas most chapters read were from the beginning of your novel, considering your apparent progress in your latest chapter, they will only be added to this text to serve the purpose of telling things which this chick has come to notice: your writing style has changed significantly during this time, and if you desire to have some kind of consistency, it would be interesting to edit your previous submissions a bit so that new readers are not turned away from your current self because of previous mistakes. A series, while it changes with time, also carries with it the burden of its past, and while the future might redeem the past, if you have the capability of changing the past, why not use it?

Chapter 1:

Idea incongruence: "Their still wings vibrated in the air." Are they still or are they vibrating?
Idea repetition: "A screech that shook the ground she clung to, that ran razors across her bone and drilled into the soft tissue of her ears." Whereas these are additive ideas, your text spends so much time describing things that sometimes it might cause the reader to lose focus of what is really important in the scene.
Paragraph division: "‘I attempted to, multiple times.’ If a monotone stereo voice could sound indignant, it managed to and was quickly, pointedly ignored. She became aware of a frustratingly consistent beeping." Frequently you start paragraphs with people doing something only to introduce later another someone who is doing something else. This might lose some of your reader's focus. It would be interesting if you divided your paragraphs by elements instead of placing them together into a jumbo like everything is related to each other. More paragraphs do not mean less comprehension, by the contrary. If divided well, you enhance your reader's experience.

Chapter 2:
Idea Incongruence: "The head was snapped upwards, made to brokenly look forward." While this chick was able to understand this sentence quite a while after reading it after the first time, necks should be snapped, not the head.
Paragraph division: "'Damned thing!' Soune barked, chasing it with stabs of the bayonet (…) twisting and gouging the wound." A paragraph with so many elements that, once again, the readability could have been greatly improved by sectioning it.

Conclusion:

You, as an author, have a very good prose, and are very knowledgeable of words. Your use of them, however, misses the point on both chapters 1 and 2, whereas on your latest chapter most problems plaguing your initial chapters seems to have been addressed, it would be nonetheless interesting for you to return and be edited to better it somewhat.

However, as a whole, while you spend a lot of your time at very lengthy descriptive words, the main point of the plot was bare. Chapters 1 and 2 are about a fight, but where does it take places? Whereas all the characters have been neatly described, objects included, there's nary a geographic feature, aside from the quality of the ground they stood at, to tell us where your story takes place. The birds who read were unable to come to an agreement whether you were writing about an open space or a bottleneck battle, and this very scuffle is the central point of conflict through which your characters, extensively described (sometimes so much that it made us lose focus over what was happening on the paragraphs) interact.

Overall, your purple prose has been addressed in your latest chapter to date, there being much less descreptives, but this bird will leave it wondering if it was not due to the nature of the chapter, it focuses mostly on character interaction through dialogue, instead of introducing your readers to new concepts and ideas.

This bird wishes you a good pen, Hardworking Author.

 

[JackJohnJackson]

Greetings, JackJohnJackson. The birds have accepted your feed and come back with some opinion.

Firstly, chapters 1, 2 and 22 have been read for the purpose of this return. Whereas most chapters read were from the beginning of your novel, considering your apparent progress in your latest chapter, they will only be added to this text to serve the purpose of telling things which this chick has come to notice: your writing style has changed significantly during this time, and if you desire to have some kind of consistency, it would be interesting to edit your previous submissions a bit so that new readers are not turned away from your current self because of previous mistakes. A series, while it changes with time, also carries with it the burden of its past, and while the future might redeem the past, if you have the capability of changing the past, why not use it?

Chapter 1:

Idea incongruence: "Their still wings vibrated in the air." Are they still or are they vibrating?
Idea repetition: "A screech that shook the ground she clung to, that ran razors across her bone and drilled into the soft tissue of her ears." Whereas these are additive ideas, your text spends so much time describing things that sometimes it might cause the reader to lose focus of what is really important in the scene.
Paragraph division: "‘I attempted to, multiple times.’ If a monotone stereo voice could sound indignant, it managed to and was quickly, pointedly ignored. She became aware of a frustratingly consistent beeping." Frequently you start paragraphs with people doing something only to introduce later another someone who is doing something else. This might lose some of your reader's focus. It would be interesting if you divided your paragraphs by elements instead of placing them together into a jumbo like everything is related to each other. More paragraphs do not mean less comprehension, by the contrary. If divided well, you enhance your reader's experience.

Chapter 2:
Idea Incongruence: "The head was snapped upwards, made to brokenly look forward." While this chick was able to understand this sentence quite a while after reading it after the first time, necks should be snapped, not the head.
Paragraph division: "'Damned thing!' Soune barked, chasing it with stabs of the bayonet (…) twisting and gouging the wound." A paragraph with so many elements that, once again, the readability could have been greatly improved by sectioning it.

Conclusion:

You, as an author, have a very good prose, and are very knowledgeable of words. Your use of them, however, misses the point on both chapters 1 and 2, whereas on your latest chapter most problems plaguing your initial chapters seems to have been addressed, it would be nonetheless interesting for you to return and be edited to better it somewhat.

However, as a whole, while you spend a lot of your time at very lengthy descriptive words, the main point of the plot was bare. Chapters 1 and 2 are about a fight, but where does it take places? Whereas all the characters have been neatly described, objects included, there's nary a geographic feature, aside from the quality of the ground they stood at, to tell us where your story takes place. The birds who read were unable to come to an agreement whether you were writing about an open space or a bottleneck battle, and this very scuffle is the central point of conflict through which your characters, extensively described (sometimes so much that it made us lose focus over what was happening on the paragraphs) interact.

Overall, your purple prose has been addressed in your latest chapter to date, there being much less descreptives, but this bird will leave it wondering if it was not due to the nature of the chapter, it focuses mostly on character interaction through dialogue, instead of introducing your readers to new concepts and ideas.

This bird wishes you a good pen, Hardworking Author.

Much appreciated on the very useful feedback!

The first chapters do very much need a cleanup at some point so having the right directions on how to improve them is a massive help in particular. Trimming my purple prose is a goal I continue to work on and am glad that the latest chapter shows signs of improvement, though I will look through the non-dialogue heavy chapters to compare as well.

Have a good day and thanks again, feedback fowl!

Edit. I was motivated to go back and revise chapter 1 according to your suggestions, though I really need to redo a lot of the early chapters looking back at them with this feedback. I won't ask for another full opinion or if you could re-read it at all, but if you have the time to check the problem areas again to see if I'm on the right track it would be massively helpful. Apologies for getting greedy, little literary chicks.

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Much appreciated on the very useful feedback!

The first chapters do very much need a cleanup at some point so having the right directions on how to improve them is a massive help in particular. Trimming my purple prose is a goal I continue to work on and am glad that the latest chapter shows signs of improvement, though I will look through the non-dialogue heavy chapters to compare as well.

Have a good day and thanks again, feedback fowl!

Edit. I was motivated to go back and revise chapter 1 according to your suggestions, though I really need to redo a lot of the early chapters looking back at them with this feedback. I won't ask for another full opinion or if you could re-read it at all, but if you have the time to check the problem areas again to see if I'm on the right track it would be massively helpful. Apologies for getting greedy, little literary chicks.

It has become better, the dream part has become particularly easier to understand.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Much appreciated on the very useful feedback!

The first chapters do very much need a cleanup at some point so having the right directions on how to improve them is a massive help in particular. Trimming my purple prose is a goal I continue to work on and am glad that the latest chapter shows signs of improvement, though I will look through the non-dialogue heavy chapters to compare as well.

Have a good day and thanks again, feedback fowl!

Edit. I was motivated to go back and revise chapter 1 according to your suggestions, though I really need to redo a lot of the early chapters looking back at them with this feedback. I won't ask for another full opinion or if you could re-read it at all, but if you have the time to check the problem areas again to see if I'm on the right track it would be massively helpful. Apologies for getting greedy, little literary chicks.

I took the time to give chapter 1 as well.
I have a touch of feedback, that isn't so much structural - the chicks took care discussing the editing issues.
Mine really comes with the attack on the convoy.

6 trucks in a line with the merc's in the front and rear. The middle 4 have just normal people in them.
- What is the setting? Are they in a bottleneck or in the open?
- Why doesn't the convoy leader see this car just sitting there not moving?
- Why is the MC and her robot so close to the explosives that it sends rocks and dirt through the vehicle?
- Why take out the trucks in the middle when they pose no threat to the operation?
- If you take out 1 and 6 - it traps the convoy regardless and kills the merc's protecting it.
- No need for a precision strike when you can have all 4 of the other trucks.

I would recommend watching the opening sequence for the movie Heat.
That movie was made in like 1996 and is a crime saga type thing, but it shows what a team of 4-5 people can do with a small bit of explosive and preparation. It will also show you the idea of the impact damage as well as the concussive damage from a much smaller explosion.
That also isn't supposed to be in the future with robotics and such.
I saw that you wanted to make it a action packed scene with some military precision and such, that is evident.
I think it needs a bit of tweaking and it will be a fun read.

Be well!

 

[JackJohnJackson]

I took the time to give chapter 1 as well.
I have a touch of feedback, that isn't so much structural - the chicks took care discussing the editing issues.
Mine really comes with the attack on the convoy.

6 trucks in a line with the merc's in the front and rear. The middle 4 have just normal people in them.
- What is the setting? Are they in a bottleneck or in the open?
- Why doesn't the convoy leader see this car just sitting there not moving?
- Why is the MC and her robot so close to the explosives that it sends rocks and dirt through the vehicle?
- Why take out the trucks in the middle when they pose no threat to the operation?
- If you take out 1 and 6 - it traps the convoy regardless and kills the merc's protecting it.
- No need for a precision strike when you can have all 4 of the other trucks.

I would recommend watching the opening sequence for the movie Heat.
That movie was made in like 1996 and is a crime saga type thing, but it shows what a team of 4-5 people can do with a small bit of explosive and preparation. It will also show you the idea of the impact damage as well as the concussive damage from a much smaller explosion.
That also isn't supposed to be in the future with robotics and such.
I saw that you wanted to make it a action packed scene with some military precision and such, that is evident.
I think it needs a bit of tweaking and it will be a fun read.

Be well!

Thanks for the feedback and recommendation, will definitely check it out!

I think I was too focused on the setup part of the attack more than the actual logistics of it, so good catch.

It is a bit tricky to get the key parts of information from it across without going too much of a tell don't show information dump, those being that the group itself isn't overly proficient (more scavenger than mercenary squad), the convoy doesn't care too much for cutting it's losses, and that the initial plan goes wrong as does their prediction of the convoy response.

I'll be giving it another pass with your feedback in mind, definitely places I can clean it up, thanks much once again!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Thanks for the feedback and recommendation, will definitely check it out!

I think I was too focused on the setup part of the attack more than the actual logistics of it, so good catch.

It is a bit tricky to get the key parts of information from it across without going too much of a tell don't show information dump, those being that the group itself isn't overly proficient (more scavenger than mercenary squad), the convoy doesn't care too much for cutting it's losses, and that the initial plan goes wrong as does their prediction of the convoy response.

I'll be giving it another pass with your feedback in mind, definitely places I can clean it up, thanks much once again!

Anything to help. I seriously suggest watching that opening to Heat. It's on YouTube. Wonderfully crafted scene.

 

[Incoming]

The Red Egg has returned! (https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1008583-the-void/chapter/1014857/)
I personally think it's a bit better than the last one, but go right ahead and be as honest as you please.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Hello, TheMonotonePuppet. The chicks have accepted your feed, and decided to give you something back!

Initially, the chick who has fed on your story has read all the available chapters (1, 2 and 3) before writing this.

Chapter 1:​

1. Reference Confusion: "pop out in the room as a centerpiece so much your lips pull back, smacking open in the shape of an eye ensemble to a grin." Second-person narrative is deceptive. You can't tell people to feel things and expect them to. Every reader is different, and therefore, you have to make them experience it. When you are telling them about something, you have to make it a complete sensation. You can fail, of course, but it's a particularly glaring one when a reader gets the impression that you have not tried hard enough. In this case, this chick believes you have failed to establish rapport with the reader on the first moment that they are the character. This is obvious later, but your first "you" does not transmit enough of an image of this. It gave this bird the thought that you were trying to impress it with an order of "smile, because these are baby things", rather than "smile, because you're a character", and those are different feelings completely.

This was forever ago, so I apologize for the extremely late response! I actually reworked my story based on the chick's feedback the moment I received this, but I never gave a satisfactory summary of what I worked on and how much I appreciate your help. For it was extremely helpful, and certainly worthy of praise! So thank you!

That second-person narrative was an archaic remnant of the original story, which was going to be wholly in first person. So... oops! Fixed that!

And I note that fixing the second-person narrative mistake in that sentence did not remedy my failure to establish rapport. Hopefully, the other edits smoothed out the sentence, while keeping the speed and fluidity of the pacing I was aiming for. Crossing fingers I didn't mess up the start in a different manner without even fixing what you mentioned.

Idea Incongruence: "Sacrifice your happiness or else they won’t be pleased." Up to this point, everything has been very well-defined,

I'm so glad that so much has been well-defined! High praise indeed!

but what is happiness? Here, you do not define what it is. And this is a very crucial point for the story. It is one thing that the MC has sacrificed, so it will probably be remembered by readers in the future. And having failed to define what happiness means, readers can interpret it as anything they wish it to be: the everyday joy, their lovers, their beauty, their life. Will the character in the future ever experience any pleasure? If so, that can be happiness, and they might remember they shouldn't feel. But they might. This is a very strange passage, one that has made this chick very confused. And to confirm, the MC later feels "wonderful", a feeling that, in this context, is in part happiness, for to experience something so great (good) is to be happy in part. Just what was the happiness that was offered?

It was certainly a matter of where my words were failing in the idea of happiness I was attempting to communicate. MASSIVE rewrite of that part. Worried that by adding so much, and rearranging so much, there are other mistakes I left behind. Hopefully it is well-defined, and new questions are not raised (other than the good mystery kind).

There are a bunch of edits that you helped kickstart, so thank you so much with much muchness!

Chapter 2:​

1. Reference Confusion: "it pumped its arms and legs up and down until it halts at attention in front of the screen." Who pumped whose arms? Who is it, it, it?

It should be the puppet... the thing that crawled out of the cocoon. I thought everything was clear. I don't think I use "it" for anything else?
*careful analysis noises*
Ohhh, I get it now. I see I used it for a lot of different things. I did work on that, based on your advice, but apparently, I never fixed that enough. *sheepish grin* But yeah, there was a mix-up in some prior paragraphs, with the girl and a few other things referred to as "it". Should be cleared up now?
Getting a little fried though, so... I might have made it worse?

Chapter 3:​

1. Reference confusion/Narrative time: "All of this he did even though he had brought forth the humanity from Bread Goddess just so he could draw blood from her humanity. It is all a show." You got this chick here. The way this is written here, makes this chick expect this "It is all a show" to be a continuation of the previous sentence, requiring it to be "It was all a show." However, considering your normal narrator tense, present, you could have reverted to it and not done a smooth transition. While the tense is correct, the transition was very abrupt and has made it seem strange how it goes from describing things that have happened to an action being done at the moment so abruptly and so curtly, at the end of the paragraph and with five words only. This bird would suggest placing it on the next paragraph, since it links very well with its idea.

I agree! I meant for the sentence to be startling, certainly, but I failed and it was clumsy instead. Oof. It's fixed!

Also, I added a parallel much earlier in the story.

Conclusion:

Let's discuss the bigger problem. What is the story about? There is a puppet, it does things, but what connects what it does? There are metafiction elements in the story, such as mentions of the RR site element being mentioned here and there, yet that is not what the story is about. The first chapter does not link into the second talking about this, and the third does not link. Second and third both mention novel names, but will this novel be about other novels? This chick could not figure out what was behind it.

I made it slightly more clear, to fix some of the confusion. But only slightly. I think the mystery is still able to stand on its own.

The novel is about the puppet, how it will grow into an individual, and how its philosophy grows (to simplify greatly, it is a strain of hedonism). Its parents in the first chapter, the Stars and the unnamed being she/them/him/you/Creator, create it out of Monotony; out of the absence left by the sacrifice of happiness, and out of the world (which has psychological origins) created by the unnamed being. And it is a puppet, still tied to the Stars. Still a child hugging the ankles of its parents.

I want to cover the life of the Monotone Puppet as it follows its internal creed of searching for color, and grows into a being of true evil.

The way the story was told was interesting. Action happens; the puppet makes the world colourful (sorry for the pun); characters are being manipulated, but nothing of this matters if the next chapter does not guarantee some sort of prediction. Will it be about a bird running from a hungry predator? Three stooges doing stupid everyday life things? Or a group of young adults solving silly mysteries? So far, this bird is not sure if there is enough. Only a few lines about other novels are not enough for people to come back. The story has to be about them. Figure out what you want to use your character for, else, there is nothing "solid" linking these stories. Your writing technique is good, but your story is lacking. Figure out what you want to write, and your writing will shine even more.

I will work on solidifying it! I tried fixing the solidity a while back, and may or may not have been successful (disclaimer: I don't think I was successful).

I know what I want to write, truly, but I won't deny my narrative struggles.

Oh, yes. This bird forgot. Why would you change narrators? You start with "You" and then it's all in the third-person… why?

Chapter 1 is a sort of prologue. The unnamed being is the narrator of Chapter 1, with both them and the Stars literally trying to make you see through their eyes. The turbulence of identity for the unnamed being is also a purposeful source of confusion for the reader. The Stars' input tends to push narrative into a 2nd person state, and they are not actively participating in the puppet's life right now.

The Monotone Puppet is not outside of the dream, nor does it know it is within the dream, so it has a more normal writing perspective. As for what the dream is? That is yet to be explained.


Anything I am missing? I stuck a huge amount of details into the story, so many of my explanations for writing choices leave out some important reasons (ones that aren't coming to mind, but may come to mind if you jog my memory).

 

[TsumiHokiro]

This was forever ago, so I apologize for the extremely late response! I actually reworked my story based on the chick's feedback the moment I received this, but I never gave a satisfactory summary of what I worked on and how much I appreciate your help. For it was extremely helpful, and certainly worthy of praise! So thank you!

That second-person narrative was an archaic remnant of the original story, which was going to be wholly in first person. So... oops! Fixed that!

And I note that fixing the second-person narrative mistake in that sentence did not remedy my failure to establish rapport. Hopefully, the other edits smoothed out the sentence, while keeping the speed and fluidity of the pacing I was aiming for. Crossing fingers I didn't mess up the start in a different manner without even fixing what you mentioned.

I'm so glad that so much has been well-defined! High praise indeed!

It was certainly a matter of where my words were failing in the idea of happiness I was attempting to communicate. MASSIVE rewrite of that part. Worried that by adding so much, and rearranging so much, there are other mistakes I left behind. Hopefully it is well-defined, and new questions are not raised (other than the good mystery kind).

There are a bunch of edits that you helped kickstart, so thank you so much with much muchness!

It should be the puppet... the thing that crawled out of the cocoon. I thought everything was clear. I don't think I use "it" for anything else?
*careful analysis noises*
Ohhh, I get it now. I see I used it for a lot of different things. I did work on that, based on your advice, but apparently, I never fixed that enough. *sheepish grin* But yeah, there was a mix-up in some prior paragraphs, with the girl and a few other things referred to as "it". Should be cleared up now?
Getting a little fried though, so... I might have made it worse?

I agree! I meant for the sentence to be startling, certainly, but I failed and it was clumsy instead. Oof. It's fixed!

Also, I added a parallel much earlier in the story.

I made it slightly more clear, to fix some of the confusion. But only slightly. I think the mystery is still able to stand on its own.

The novel is about the puppet, how it will grow into an individual, and how its philosophy grows (to simplify greatly, it is a strain of hedonism). Its parents in the first chapter, the Stars and the unnamed being she/them/him/you/Creator, create it out of Monotony; out of the absence left by the sacrifice of happiness, and out of the world (which has psychological origins) created by the unnamed being. And it is a puppet, still tied to the Stars. Still a child hugging the ankles of its parents.

I want to cover the life of the Monotone Puppet as it follows its internal creed of searching for color, and grows into a being of true evil.

I will work on solidifying it! I tried fixing the solidity a while back, and may or may not have been successful (disclaimer: I don't think I was successful).

I know what I want to write, truly, but I won't deny my narrative struggles.

Chapter 1 is a sort of prologue. The unnamed being is the narrator of Chapter 1, with both them and the Stars literally trying to make you see through their eyes. The turbulence of identity for the unnamed being is also a purposeful source of confusion for the reader. The Stars' input tends to push narrative into a 2nd person state, and they are not actively participating in the puppet's life right now.

The Monotone Puppet is not outside of the dream, nor does it know it is within the dream, so it has a more normal writing perspective. As for what the dream is? That is yet to be explained.


Anything I am missing? I stuck a huge amount of details into the story, so many of my explanations for writing choices leave out some important reasons (ones that aren't coming to mind, but may come to mind if you jog my memory).

Thank you for your late reply! This bird is happy its feedback was useful and not words written at nothing, and wishes the Puppet to know that these words quoted have helped it understand the story a lot better. You had something interesting, which in this chick's view could shine, but was lacking a clear goal and while it was obvious it was a journey about feelings, where this journey was going to, or what it was proposing to do made it somewhat dubious. If our words helped you see it, we are happy. We only suggest things, for we are far from know-it-alls and tellers-of-truths, merely birds-of-feather, after all.

We wish you a good journey, Interesting Puppet.