Obligatory reminder that English is my second language, and this is subjective feedback from a reader. I stopped reading after I finished
Prologue
Before I start with the feedback, here is some friendly advice. If you will continue to write and post on SH, use as many fitting tags and genres as possible. The more tags and genres you use, the better the visibility of your novel.
Here is another advice. People on SH prefer shorter chapters. On average, the best word count to attract a reader is 1500-2500 words. I'm not saying you should change everything based solely on it. I inform you of a potential reason why people might avoid reading your story.
One last thing I want to mention before I start the feedback is your synopsis. It's way too long and convoluted. As a reader, I simply don't understand what your story is.
At first, it's
Countless unseen realms bridge themselves with oursThen it's about Natalie and her vendetta. Then it's about her and Andrew uncovering the truth, then it's about her hoping to find a person, and at the end, it's about Andrew.
Do I want to read such a story? Personally, no. Since I perceive it as if this story doesn't have an identity. I see this as if you don't know what your story is about. I'm not saying every readers thinks like this here, I'm saying what I see and think.
Now, I can finally talk about your story, and first and foremost, I will address the elephant in the room. Paragraphing.
This is an easy-to-explain problem. Do you see those long paragraphs? Yeah, you should split a lot of them. Not talking about every paragraph, but at least half of them should be split.
The first example is one long paragraph that you can easily split multiple times. All for one purpose, to increase the readability. Reading large paragraphs on the phone is a nightmare. I won't copy the whole paragraph, only parts where you can split it.
Feeling beads of sweat appear This is where you can split the paragraph.
The feeling left her transfixed there Another split.
From what I read, you don't even need to change or rewrite anything in this particular example.
The next example is a borderline mistake.
Father regarded Scope silently as he went on. He’d go to great lengths if you’d let him. Was he born tone-deaf?! By the cycles, but she could not stand the guy! Usually, you should split the actions of different characters. I can't see how this is an exception, and there were similar cases in your text, but not much. When it comes to paragraphing it's mostly to ease the reading process, see the first example.
The next thing I want to mention is an astounding amount of typos. I'm not trying to bash you or make a joke at your expense. What I want to say here, is that it legitimately makes it hard to read and understand. And you have way more typos than the average novel, and I would even dare to say inexcusably more. Please, use Grammarly since it can help with this typos. Won't find all of them, but it's better than it is now.
Hittingthe hanging branch with a loud thud
The horrid crack rang in
May;s ear
May willed an image of her
Katana’s blade to
appare. Appare? Also, do not capitalize a word in the middle of the sentence, it is a mistake. Same for every other capitalization.
With a leap, May landed upon the face of this
phamtom blade
as it fell over the
tempel wall.
They roared with a
flame like frensy
It was hard to
swllow.
“You came back, my
dauter,”
That stunned Spriiko silent. Scope, meanwhile just whistled to himself
amusidly.
auy show of
suprise out of the know it all.
He’d good as killed them himself! This is what I was talking about. I don't understand what this means because of a typo.
There are probably a lot more typos since my eyes glaze over some typos. But there is also something different, and I'm not sure what to call it. Is it a typo, or a different mistake?
She’d never seen him raise his voice so loud before. This one isn't even a mistake, but maybe '
heard'?
Why are you calling him father for?! For?
I just want
to hear one question from you, Hear one '
answer'???
And this is where I can 100% say that this is a separate problem that affects the readability a lot.
May tilted her head to one side in baffled. You either use the wrong words, like verbs or adjectives instead of nouns, or you use the wrong order. Baffled is an adjective or verb. How is she IN baffled? Maybe I don't get something here? Maybe you missed a word? I don't understand.
Two last things I want to mention. All of the above combined makes it impossible for me to understand the part of your story that starts with
His hands shook with a regrowing rage. and ends with
'Bring back my daughter’. Again, this isn't me trying to bash you. I say what I think. I can't comprehend this part.
Lastly, I don't like the part of the paragraph that follows this
The other reason did not help them was more personal, harder to explain. Starting from the fact that it's hard to comprehend, it is an unnecessary and redundant repetition of something you wrote in the first part of the paragraph.
There is even an unnecessary usage of parentheses.
her right eye (her special eye), I got it that her right eye is her special eye. You've managed to convey it before, no need to add it in parentheses, especially considering how you will continue to mention it after.
About the story itself, I obviously can't say a single thing. It's a prologue. Worldbuilding, plot, characters? Can't say much. Although I have a nagging feeling to call it slightly generic, I won't deduct any points for it, nor should you listen to me on this one. This is a prologue. Other than this nagging feeling, you've got no problems, and trust me, sometimes there are problems in the first few chapters. So I consider it a plus.
And that's the end of my feedback. Your novel started really well. The first eight or so paragraphs were good enough to deserve 3.75 stars from me. But by the end, it felt like the quality have dropped by a lot. It's still not AS bad as I might portray it, after all, fixing typos in Grammarly(or anything similar) will take you around 20 minutes. But I can't do anything with my first impression being destroyed brutally by everything I mentioned above. Sorry, this is a subjective feedback. Oh, and there are still problems with paragraphing and weird sentences that don't make any sense. So don't blame me.
Anyway, as usual, I didn't rate your novel, but if I had to, 2.5 stars. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. If I can, I will answer them.
