[Closed] Free Feedback from the Prince

[Rockingashe]

My apologies, I was simply on the wrong account. Think nothing of it.

Atleast you're consistent about the vampires ?

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Thumb??? You're going to torment me forever about it aren't you

Oops, sorry about that.
Posted on wrong account.

I'll get to your work as I go in order in thread.

 

[Rockingashe]

Oops, sorry about that.
Posted on wrong account.

I'll get to your work as I go in order in thread.

It's all good, we all mess up alittle at one point. I won't tell Envy about it

But thank you again my good sir!

 

[Bartun]

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Thank you for submitting to my Heroic Outstanding Modest Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 5: A Harrowing End
I stopped because i believe this is a good point to pick up at a later date.

I'll start with the biggest issue i come across while reading.
You tend to write long sentences that are sometimes run-on. reading these can be tiring, but i often see that there should be periods instead of commas.

You could improve by varying your sentence lengths in each paragraph. mix short, medium, and long sentences. This helps it be more interesting and less of a drag.

Spoiler: Early on this confused me, had to reread

"Despite having been born among them, Nina knew little about her own people. She was raised in seclusion, in the heart of the respected Valdir household outside the clan territories. Although she had grown hearing stories and read everything that was available about their custom and traditions; there still was a lot that she ignored. But being the passionate student of the history that she was, she hoped to be able to witness, and learn about their way of life during her trips to the Highlands, and write down everything she could about them, their history, and their traditions, a subject that until now seemed to have very little attention from historians and scribes."

Here, I initially thought it was nina's fault she didn't know. But later find out it's actually the historians' fault they didn't record!
I think maybe this can be remedied by fixing/clarifying the initial idea you put in the reader's head.

Here and there I see some odd ways of writing things, but that wouldn't stop me from continuing reading.

Your action scenes are pretty good, i like reading them. I think you write decent descriptions. I like it when you put important parts at the start and end of paragraphs.

Your description of the highlanders customs reminded me of my first experience of King of Dragon Pass because the lore and culture in that game was crazy in depth. This is good.

Don't think i didn't notice Verkan's skyrim reference. lol

I can tell a lot of thought and love was put into the making of this story. The characters are caring and good. There is definitely good spirit and heart in the work.

I will add this to my hoard for later. (Technically it was already there, i just hadn't gotten to it yet until now.)

Continue the good work and continue to improve your writing!

Overall, my rating for your story is: Treasure
Good dragon, I approve, splendid job. ?

I pray that no corrupt speech be found in you and that your writing uplifts others. May you be in the good hands of the Lord and learn the truth that is Jesus Christ. Amen.

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Thank you so much, my next of kin. I really appreciate your kind words.

It warms my heart that King of the Dragon Pass is not entirely forgotten. ? I had some good times playing it when I was still a little dino. Also, Skyrim hehe, I knew someone would notice that little reference.

Yeah, you just read my very first chapters and it surely shows. I think my writing improved in later chapters but I need to do another edit run to them to bring them up to standard. I'll do it after finishing writing the current arc.

This story has decades in the making. Literally. I've put enormous effort and all my heart into it. It's been in my head for so long and I regret having waited so long to start writing it.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read this little story of mine. I'll try my best to make it worth your time!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Alright this is my most recent project one chapter as of now, but here you go.

The Occult Files Of Michael Bloom

A story following the adventures of an eccentric detective as he takes on cults, mystical beings, and the social elite.

www.scribblehub.com

Hope you enjoy and I'd like to have the response in this thread.

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Thank you for submitting to my High Resolution Low Error Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of the latest chapter Chapter Two: The Visit

With only two chapters, your not giving me much to work with, huh?

Introduction seems common for this kind of story, but I think it is well done for a reason.

Remove one of the "already" in this sentence.

I already look like I am already dead with my sunken purple eyes, shaggy platinum blond hair...

Your chapters flow well and fast. I think they are a good length for easy reading. I like your descriptions.

There's not much I can point out for writing improvement, so I'll move on to ideas. I haven't read enough to get a good read on characters or the spirit of the work quite yet, so I'll discuss the genre.

Whenever an urban fantasy story focuses on demons and other supernatural stuff I get sorta on edge, because that sort of thing I don't want to take lightly. I simultaneously like and dislike shows like Supernatural because while they are interesting and well written, they also have weird theology mixed with superstition. It tends to give the wrong ideas about those things and get people interested in them, which I think is potentially dangerous.

It doesn't feel the same with completely fantasy worlds because those aren't supposed to be parallel to irl.

It's not something I want to get involved in.
It gives me bad vibes, especially when they include occult stuff. So that's why the rating is the way it is.

Be careful as you continue writing this story and it may overcome my concerns. Please don't feel discouraged.

Overall, my rating of your story is: Intrusive thoughts
Due to genre wariness.

I pray that no spirits target you in your writings, and you keep your defenses up. May you find peace and knowledge within Christ. Amen.

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[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

For Want of A House

Waking up is always a difficult part of anyone's day- it's even worse if you wake up inside some squalid room to spit out mysterious black cubes in a land you are not familiar with. Now imagine what Sybil's going through. Watch this short and tempered child grow, seeking a...

www.scribblehub.com

I've been on a bit of a hiatus since I moved cross country so I'm trying to get back in the groove of things and figured throwing my story at feedback providers will help with that; thanks for any feedback you deem fit to share

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Thank you for submitting to my Based Unbiased Unregretable August Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 13: Woo-woo
I stopped because I want to read something else.

Your writing is not bad. I like your descriptions, especially about the cubes. You do MC's pov well, I think. Your chapters are short and easy to read.

I can't really tell you anything to improve.

To me, MC seems to be some sort of monster yet to be revealed (i'm betting some sort of demon-hound creature, based of your username). That would explain the cubes, language, taste, muted emotions, and other differences.

The spirit of your story, ... it focuses on the outcasts of society. Shunned because they are different. Not a bad perspective, though I hope they grow in goodness instead of bitterness. There is a lack of loving interactions between characters so far, so my hopes are kinda out there maybe.

Reading after the timeskip, it seems like every character has a chip on their shoulder. Or, maybe mc just focuses on the negatives too much. i think that might be it. That, and they aren't very grateful.

It's not that I didn't enjoy your writing or find the story interesting, but that I don't see any love being shown through it.

It is for these reasons the rating is what it is. To remedy this, have your MC meditate on things that are good and virtuous and decide to fulfill such revelations through faithful action. Oh, and clean up the cubes, while you're at it.

Overall, my rating for your story is: Toxic
Don't puke any cubes on me, please.

I pray that you mind and your ways are set straight upon the good path God has laid out for us to walk in the light of his son Jesus Christ. May your heart be healed by His love. Amen.

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[HelloHound]

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Thank you for submitting to my Based Unbiased Unregretable August Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 13: Woo-woo
I stopped because I want to read something else.

Your writing is not bad. I like your descriptions, especially about the cubes. You do MC's pov well, I think. Your chapters are short and easy to read.

I can't really tell you anything to improve.

To me, MC seems to be some sort of monster yet to be revealed (i'm betting some sort of demon-hound creature, based of your username). That would explain the cubes, language, taste, muted emotions, and other differences.

The spirit of your story, ... it focuses on the outcasts of society. Shunned because they are different. Not a bad perspective, though I hope they grow in goodness instead of bitterness. There is a lack of loving interactions between characters so far, so my hopes are kinda out there maybe.

Reading after the timeskip, it seems like every character has a chip on their shoulder. Or, maybe mc just focuses on the negatives too much. i think that might be it. That, and they aren't very grateful.

It's not that I didn't enjoy your writing or find the story interesting, but that I don't see any love being shown through it.

It is for these reasons the rating is what it is. To remedy this, have your MC meditate on things that are good and virtuous and decide to fulfill such revelations through faithful action. Oh, and clean up the cubes, while you're at it.

Overall, my rating for your story is: Toxic
Don't puke any cubes on me, please.

I pray that you mind and your ways are set straight upon the good path God has laid out for us to walk in the light of his son Jesus Christ. May your heart be healed by His love. Amen.

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you're the closest to what Sybil's deal is, though not quite! And yeah, poor tyke is rather pessimistic but who could blame her? She just can't mesh well with her peers for some inexplicable reason...
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my little story! Hopefully I'm only going to get better from here...

 

[ElasticDotLine]

Hi! I'm interested in a review! In the thread is fine.
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub

 

[Little-Moon]

I think I will dip my toes into the water.

If you have time and the mood to read you are welcome to try out my Story.

Ninetails

 

[Seaspecter]

You can take me off your feedback list I’ve gotten enough to last for a long time.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I look forward to seeing any feedback you have for mine (if you decide to read it, and I would bet 20 bucks you won't after checking out my tags). After seeing your reaction to K5Rakitan's book, I am even more deeply interested in your reaction to mine.

Charisma

I, the wholly happy-go-lucky character, go through life on an alternate Earth with some 'minor' differences. Yes indeedy do! I promise an absolutely joyous time! I tell no lies. What minor differences you ask? Well, here's some advice. Don't drink that lava in a bottle, or you'll spend a night...

www.scribblehub.com

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Thank you for submitting to my Peerless Regal Overstated Unsurpassed Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 16: A Magical System’s Reflection
I stopped because my curiosity is sated.

I'll start with: I think you are a skilled writer, this is my inexperienced opinion. There is nothing i can point out for improvement.
I enjoyed reading it, although it is twisted and sorta jaded.

I think your synopsis/story description prepared me well for the kind of story I was going into. The cover gives me the heebie jeebies. If it wasn't a request i normally would skip this kind of story..

The first chapter i found a curious mix of humor and meloncholy. I felt sympathetic to the MC. This continues as far as i read.

Early on I can sense a great deal of turmoil within the MC. They are highly critical about many things in society. There lots of little asides/quips that i just roll my eyes at and keep reading. Despite that, I can see much care was taken in portraying the character's psyche.

By ch3, i understood why the story was called Charisma. It was what mc excelled at and explained their expression and behavior.

Alexa is retarded, in a world where negativity spawns catastrophes, she deals immense pain to mc and is likely the cause of the acceleration.

I liked the survival portion of the story, it reminded me of other stories that i have enjoyed over the years.

I figured mc was slowly becoming one of the anathema. The transformation was well done. Body horror doesn't really bother me that much, (i blame Dead Space for numbing me as a young teen). I assume that mc will eventually abandon trying to escape and embrace their new role in the universe.

Funnily enough, I also have cannibalism in my story. However, there it is portrayed as a loving sacrifice to save others. Here in your story, it's more a requirement built into the universe. Stuff must feed on other things. There is opposing magic forces.

Also funny, in my story the stars play a small role symbolically. Kinda different from the way you use them. I may not have them nailed down exactly yet, but the symbollic evil of selfishness tempts with the allure of becoming your own light. So the villain views themself as the most important person. (Actually, this is very similar to how you use it)

Overall, your story is very creative and interesting. My rating stems from the worldview that i perceived from the author(you).

On second thought, the only improvement I can imagine giving you is: to be less incendiary/biting with commentary, social or otherwise. I understand this might conflict with the spirit you are trying to craft.
If you had done this, my rating would have probably been higher.

Overall, my rating for your story is: Purge Necessary
I wavered between intrusive thoughts and toxic, but I'm going to play it safe and just purge it.

I pray that you pursue the truth of the Bible and the love of God through Jesus Christ. Amen.

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[TheMonotonePuppet]

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Thank you for submitting to my Peerless Unsurpassed Overstated Dragon Judgement

Spoiler: Feedback

I read to the end of Chapter 16: A Magical System’s Reflection
I stopped because my curiosity is sated.

I'll start with: I think you are a skilled writer, this is my inexperienced opinion. There is nothing i can point out for improvement.
I enjoyed reading it, although it is twisted and sorta jaded.

I think your synopsis/story description prepared me well for the kind of story I was going into. The cover gives me the heebie jeebies. If it wasn't a request i normally would skip this kind of story..

The first chapter i found a curious mix of humor and meloncholy. I felt sympathetic to the MC. This continues as far as i read.

Early on I can sense a great deal of turmoil within the MC. They are highly critical about many things in society. There lots of little asides/quips that i just roll my eyes at and keep reading. Despite that, I can see much care was taken in portraying the character's psyche.

By ch3, i understood why the story was called Charisma. It was what mc excelled at and explained their expression and behavior.

Alexa is retarded, in a world where negativity spawns catastrophes, she deals immense pain to mc and is likely the cause of the acceleration.

I liked the survival portion of the story, it reminded me of other stories that i have enjoyed over the years.

I figured mc was slowly becoming one of the anathema. The transformation was well done. Body horror doesn't really bother me that much, (i blame Dead Space for numbing me as a young teen). I assume that mc will eventually abandon trying to escape and embrace their new role in the universe.

Funnily enough, I also have cannibalism in my story. However, there it is portrayed as a loving sacrifice to save others. Here in your story, it's more a requirement built into the universe. Stuff must feed on other things. There is opposing magic forces.

Also funny, in my story the stars play a small role symbolically. Kinda different from the way you use them. I may not have them nailed down exactly yet, but the symbollic evil of selfishness tempts with the allure of becoming your own light. So the villain views themself as the most important person. (Actually, this is very similar to how you use it)

Overall, your story is very creative and interesting. My rating stems from the worldview that i perceived from the author(you).

On second thought, the only improvement I can imagine giving you is: to be less incendiary/biting with commentary, social or otherwise. I understand this might conflict with the spirit you are trying to craft.
If you had done this, my rating would have probably been higher.

Overall, my rating for your story is: Purge Necessary
I wavered between intrusive thoughts and toxic, but I'm going to play it safe and just purge it.

I pray that you purse the truth of the Bible and the love of God through Jesus Christ. Amen.

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HOLY GUACAMOLE YOU MADE IT FAR!

It's absolutely fascinating that so many parallels and interconnections of various characters' philosophies can be drawn between our stories. That's really cool!!!

I'm glad I was able to continue the sympathy towards the character. Sometimes I wonder whether at some points I dip past dark grey and start getting into black, dislikable morals and actions that permanently ruin the character.

It's awesome that you noticed the turmoil within their psyche!

It's really sweet of you to compliment me as an author! My appreciations!?

And you are spot-on! That is exactly the reason! Now we are in the relative safety of the forums, I can explain what's going on with that. She is actually dead somewhere as of the day before, replaced by an incredibly subtle, covert Torment. The Torment has multiple Anathema/bodies it uses and not only targeted our MC but numerous places in the Neighborhood. Our MC got caught in the cross-fire of the opening move of the Goddess Diarrhea starting a full-on war. The MC's way of thinking and past is the perfect thing to trigger the Miasma in that area to create a Torment that will likely eliminate Betsie, who is prime Magical Guardian material (getting all the edges that the Goddess can get in this battle).

LOL! Scarred for eternity, ay? I haven't read Dead Space. I'll have to look into it. Glad you enjoyed the transformation!

I LOVE I can see how that loving sacrifice applies to a lot of philosophy and religion. Nice little tidbits! It's so much fun seeing your perspective and a reflection of a kinder meaning when we use scenes or such that bear resemblance.

I'm really glad you liked the survival portion! One of my favorite mini-arcs.

And feel free to use the lore of the Stars, turning it into, or as inspiration, for the philosophy of your villain. Best of wishes for pinning down the motivations and thought-process of the villain!

And I can certainly try to avoid less social commentary and be less incendiary. Though I do worry about how I have the introduction of the werewolves at the moment... The parallels between anti-Semitism, homophobia/mob-mentality around AIDS, Covid-19 virus, and Mexican immigrants are very evident... that's, uhhh..., probably going to start a flame war in comments if they make it that far in my story... Oh dear. I want to trawl back through that 8000 word chapter now per your feedback... but... I have already spent TWENTY DAYS ON IT!

Thank you for your informative and objective analysis!!! Much appreciation for you taking the time out of your day to read and provide feedback on my story!!!! (I sincerely hope that doesn't sound sarcastic. I mean all of this genuinely!) Have an absolutely wonderful day and may your interactions, life, and faith feel vivid, colorful, and beautiful everyday!!!

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

And I can certainly try to avoid less social commentary and be less incendiary. Though I do worry about how I have the introduction of the werewolves at the moment... The parallels between anti-Semitism, homophobia/mob-mentality around AIDS, Covid-19 virus, and Mexican immigrants are very evident... that's, uhhh..., probably going to start a flame war in comments if they make it that far in my story... Oh dear. I want to trawl back through that 8000 word chapter now per your feedback... but... I have already spent TWENTY DAYS ON IT!

It may be unavoidable, since your world is based off the real one. These types of ideas will seep in. If someone is reading your story that far in, the commentary probably doesn't bother them or are used to/expecting it .

 

[Seaspecter]

Overall, my rating for your story is: Purge Necessary
I wavered between intrusive thoughts and toxic, but I'm going to play it safe and just purge it.

I pray that you pursue the truth of the Bible and the love of God through Jesus Christ. Amen.

So what kind of purging are we talking about her because I rather liked that story?

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

So what kind of purging are we talking about her because I rather liked that story?

Don't take it too seriously, i also liked it.
A purge of the mind, so in the future they write about good and wholesome uplifting things.

 

[Seaspecter]

Don't take it too seriously, i also liked it.
A purge of the mind, so in the future they write about good and wholesome uplifting things.

Makes me sad I can't take any more feedback cause my story is rather uplifting lol.

You know what I think I can take some more if you're still up for it. Just don't purge Anna she's nice and likes cupcakes.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

Makes me sad I can't take any more feedback cause my story is rather uplifting lol.
You know what I think I can take some more if you're still up for it. Just don't purge Anna she's nice and likes cupcakes.

You could always chang your mind. If you do so soon I'll just put you in queue where you were before, which is right after the current story I'm looking at.

 

[Seaspecter]

Okay I'll go for it like I said just don't purge Anna lol.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

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Thank you for submitting to my Peerless Unsurpassed Overstated Dragon Judgement

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You know, if you took the initials of this, it is really close to PROUD, like the pride of a dragon. Not quite there though: POUDJ

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

You know, if you took the initials of this, it is really close to PROUD, like the pride of a dragon. Not quite there though: POUDJ

Now it does,
also, did you see lore 15 dropped earlier today?